I rock back and forth, grasping my knees, humming a disjointed tune in a pitiful attempt to comfort myself. As I sob, the most hideous, pitiful sounds exude out of my mouth--moans of intense, extreme loss. I seriously look like I belong in a mental hospital. It scares me, really, but the rocking and moaning are calming to me, so I continue until my body has exhausted itself and surrenders to sleep.
God, I don't even know how to talk to you, or what to say anymore. But I refuse to stop talking to you. I will continue to come into our presence even when I have nothing to say because I do not want to wonder into worthlessness. Let me come to you in silence. Let me come to you in tears. Let me come to you with a lack of speech, and just sit quietly in your presence.
Day 29
How am I doing? I don't even know how to answer that question anymore. To be frank, I am depressed and am hardening inside. I don't want either of these responses, and by the exceeding abundant grace of my God, He will rescue me out of my despair and will keep me soft and open. Hardening helps the pain, but I know that when this phase of my life is over, my hardened soul will be much more harmful than the pain that infiltrates my shattered heart now. Ya know, in reality, God has revealed the mystery of His will to me. I wan't God's will in my life, and I am blind to see this as God's revelation. What a comforting thought. Through the "riches of His grace, which He lavished upon me, in all wisdon and insight, He made known to me the mystery of His will, according to His purpose." God is good to me and I fail to see that for the wall of pain stands in my way. At least I know now that His will exists on the other side of this wall. I gives me incentive to break through the wall to get to the goodness on the other side. It also gives me a patience to know that no matter how long it takes me to get through the wall, His consistent will will stay there for me until I cn make it to the other side. I feel like I am running full strength forward, as hard as I can, but the emensely strong wind is not only holding me from going forward, but it is pushing me backwards. It exhausts me, and I feel like I will not be able to fight much longer. I will strive to, however, and God will give me just enough strength to get through. I know He will.
Day 27
As I journey through the darkened path, surrounded by the deafening sound of the angry sea walled up on either side of me, I walk, folloing the small dry path, leading away from what threatens me. But when I arrive on the other side, the daylight beats its joyful rays upon me, the ocean walls collapse upon the enemy of my soul, and I am comforted by the deafening silence of peace.
~Inspired by Exodus 4
~Inspired by Exodus 4
Day 26
My parents came down to eat with me tonight. I can't face them alone right now. I'm never with them without *him*. *he* is my stability when I am with my family. It hurts too badly to be with them by myself. I don't know how to explain that to them so they understand. I felt so rude to them tonight. I just couldn't get past the lonely insecurity that I felt. It is painfully hard. I'm just taking some time to sit and to do nothing. I need that quiet time right now to not even think. Just to sit. My smile is gone today. I need the oy of God today and I know I don't have it. I try to pour myself into everything so I don't have to think about it, and I think that pushes it deeper into my soul and intensifies the hurt. I'm tired of not knowing how to act, or what to say. I'm tired of facing people, or facing life even. I really do just want to die. I find pleasure in nothing; not even coffee. I just drink it because it keeps me going. I love coffee with a passion, and it doesn't even really taste good to me right now.
I want so badly to just email him and tell him how I feel right now; tell him how hard it is for me to see him right now, and that despite the fact that we've not been together for four weeks, I love him just as much as I did before. That I'm trying very hard to get over this, but that it is progressively seeming harder as reality stands so strong before me. I want so badly to tell him that...or even just to say "I love you" to him. But I know I can't. Fridays through Mondays are the hardest four days of the week. At least the other three days are typically a little easier.
The couple I mentioned earlier that we were going to lease from in the fall called me yesterday. That was a very difficult phone call to answer, and it just made today rather difficult; remembering that we were going to live together, enjoy the benefits of living together for the rest of our lives. It was just, well...very difficult. Couple that with being with my family alone for the first time in a year was probably the hardest thing to deal with. I hurt more when I am with them than I do any other time. The pain is just so intense that each breath is harder and harder to take. God will get me through even this. I know it.
I want so badly to just email him and tell him how I feel right now; tell him how hard it is for me to see him right now, and that despite the fact that we've not been together for four weeks, I love him just as much as I did before. That I'm trying very hard to get over this, but that it is progressively seeming harder as reality stands so strong before me. I want so badly to tell him that...or even just to say "I love you" to him. But I know I can't. Fridays through Mondays are the hardest four days of the week. At least the other three days are typically a little easier.
The couple I mentioned earlier that we were going to lease from in the fall called me yesterday. That was a very difficult phone call to answer, and it just made today rather difficult; remembering that we were going to live together, enjoy the benefits of living together for the rest of our lives. It was just, well...very difficult. Couple that with being with my family alone for the first time in a year was probably the hardest thing to deal with. I hurt more when I am with them than I do any other time. The pain is just so intense that each breath is harder and harder to take. God will get me through even this. I know it.
Day 25
Where are you??? Why aren't you here beside me? Where are you When my face is wet and cold with tears, where are you? Why aren't you here? I need you, and you're not here. When my face is hot with the fever of pain, why aren't you here?
I need you.
Please come back.
I need you.
Please come back.
Day 24
Today makes 4 weeks. It actually wasn't as hard as I expected. I kept really busy, and only cried hard once. The couple who were going to rent us an apartment in August called me today. I had to tell them that we're no longer getting married. I guess *he* called them and told them that we will not be needing the apartment. That was really hard. I don't want to live with Nikki and Meagan. I want to live with *him*. I want to spend my life with *him*. I want to live with him.
My crying has become soft. It's like when a child's cry breaks and turns from anger to straight pain. I cry strictly because it hurts; strictly because I miss him. I miss my best friend. I pray for him, and that is the extent of the influence on his life that I can have, and visa versa. I hope he prays for me.
4 weeks.... It seems like it has been a lifetime, yet, it is so fresh it could have been yesterday. I love him. That has not changed. I wish I could stop. But I don't know how.
I feel cold to my emotions tonight. It's like, I feel them--I hurt--yet, I cannot reach it somehow. I cannot reach the hurting spot right now. My body is cold to it. It scares me. Tears are a resonse to hurt. Morning is a way of healing. and I can't reach them. I want the tears to flow right now, but they do not come to comfort. I just sit here, unable to touch the pain. I can se it; I know where it is, but somehow it got locked up for the time being and I can't figure out how to let it out.
My crying has become soft. It's like when a child's cry breaks and turns from anger to straight pain. I cry strictly because it hurts; strictly because I miss him. I miss my best friend. I pray for him, and that is the extent of the influence on his life that I can have, and visa versa. I hope he prays for me.
4 weeks.... It seems like it has been a lifetime, yet, it is so fresh it could have been yesterday. I love him. That has not changed. I wish I could stop. But I don't know how.
I feel cold to my emotions tonight. It's like, I feel them--I hurt--yet, I cannot reach it somehow. I cannot reach the hurting spot right now. My body is cold to it. It scares me. Tears are a resonse to hurt. Morning is a way of healing. and I can't reach them. I want the tears to flow right now, but they do not come to comfort. I just sit here, unable to touch the pain. I can se it; I know where it is, but somehow it got locked up for the time being and I can't figure out how to let it out.
Day 22
I was at my lowest point last night. I could not sleep because my mind was racing up and down along side of the pain within me. I grabbed my Bible, went downstairs, and wept harder than I have ever wept before. I found myself sprawled out on my face, my tears saturating the carpet that my face pressed against, and I cried out to God in complete agony, despair, and humility. I could not get any lower as I begged God to not ignore me. As I begged Him to be to me what I know in my mind that He is, I sang pitifully, but genuinely, the William Cowper text of "Sometimes a light surprises the Christan while she sings. It is the Lord who rises with healing in His wings." I told Him that I could not feel His healing because of the extreme outflow of agony. I begged Him not to let Satan win in my life, not to let him defeat me. I told Him that I wanted to doe, that I was tired of living, that I was tired of being broken, but that I wanted to have the attitude of Paul "to abide in the flesh is more needful for you." I begged God to strengthen me, but to remind me everyday that that strength is from Him. My words took the form of groans and I was reminded of Romans 8 where it says "The spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." As I pulled myself up off of the floor, after an hour of intense prayer, weeping and groaning, I opened my Bible to the Psalms, and God pointed me to Psalm 31:
"In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me! Incline your hear to me; rescue me speedily! Be a rock of refuge for me. a strong fortress to save me! For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me; you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God. I trust in the Lord. I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress, my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow. I have become like a broken vessel. But I trust in you, O Lord; I say "You are my God." MY times are in your hands. Make your face shine on your servant; save me in your steadfast love! O Lord let me not be put to shame, for I call upon you, Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you. Blessed be the Lord, for He has wondrously shown His steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city. I had said in my haste, "I am cut off from your sight." But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help. Love the Lord, all you his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful. Bue strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!"
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. None of them who take refuge in Him will be condemned." ~Psalm 34:17-19,22
"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." ~Psalm 42:11
"For our soul is bowed down to the dust; our belly clings to the ground. Rise up; come to our help. Redeem us for the sake of your steadfast love." ~Psalm 44:25-26
"God is our refuge and strength, a wel proved help in trouble. Therefore I will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling." ~Psalm 46:1-3
Today would be our 4 month engagement anniversary. Hopefully I will be able to go all day without seeing. Because if I do see him, I would be so tempted to walk up to him and say "Happy Anniversary" in the most sarcastic tone I have. That would not be loving, however, and I would just rather not even be faced with the temptation.
"In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me! Incline your hear to me; rescue me speedily! Be a rock of refuge for me. a strong fortress to save me! For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me; you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God. I trust in the Lord. I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress, my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow. I have become like a broken vessel. But I trust in you, O Lord; I say "You are my God." MY times are in your hands. Make your face shine on your servant; save me in your steadfast love! O Lord let me not be put to shame, for I call upon you, Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you. Blessed be the Lord, for He has wondrously shown His steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city. I had said in my haste, "I am cut off from your sight." But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help. Love the Lord, all you his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful. Bue strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!"
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. None of them who take refuge in Him will be condemned." ~Psalm 34:17-19,22
"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." ~Psalm 42:11
"For our soul is bowed down to the dust; our belly clings to the ground. Rise up; come to our help. Redeem us for the sake of your steadfast love." ~Psalm 44:25-26
"God is our refuge and strength, a wel proved help in trouble. Therefore I will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling." ~Psalm 46:1-3
Today would be our 4 month engagement anniversary. Hopefully I will be able to go all day without seeing. Because if I do see him, I would be so tempted to walk up to him and say "Happy Anniversary" in the most sarcastic tone I have. That would not be loving, however, and I would just rather not even be faced with the temptation.
Songs of Refuge
Firm cling to the blessed cross,
There shall thy refuge be;
Wash thee now in the crimson fount,
Flowing so pure for thee;
List' to the gently warning voice!
List' to the earnest call!
Leave at the cross thy burden now:
Jesus will bear it all.
Come, oh come, with thy broken heart,
Weary and worn with care;
Come and kneel at the open door,
Jesus is waiting there;
Waiting to heal thy wounded soul,
Waiting to give thee rest;
Why wilt thou walk where shadows fall?
Come to His loving breast.
Come and taste of the precious feast,
Feast of eternal love;
Think of joys that forever bloom,
Bright in the life above.
Come with a trusting heart to God,
Come and be saved by grace;
Come for He longs to clasp thee now,
Close in His dear embrace.
"Hold Thou my hand; so weak I am, and helpless
I dare not take one step without Thy aid;
Hold thou, my hand; for then, O loving Savior,
No dread of ill shall make my soul afraid.
Hold Thou my hand, and closer, closer draw me
To Thy dear self--my hope, my joy, my all;
Hold Thou my hand, lest haply I should wander,
And, missing Thee, my trembling feet should fall.
Hold Thou my hand; the way is dark before me
Without the sunlight of Thy face divine;
But when by faith I catch its radiant glory,
What heights of joy, when rapturous songs are mine!
Hold Thou my hand, that when I reach the margin
Of that lone river Thou didst cross for me,
A heavenly light may flash along its waters,
And every wave like crystal bright shall be."
There shall thy refuge be;
Wash thee now in the crimson fount,
Flowing so pure for thee;
List' to the gently warning voice!
List' to the earnest call!
Leave at the cross thy burden now:
Jesus will bear it all.
Come, oh come, with thy broken heart,
Weary and worn with care;
Come and kneel at the open door,
Jesus is waiting there;
Waiting to heal thy wounded soul,
Waiting to give thee rest;
Why wilt thou walk where shadows fall?
Come to His loving breast.
Come and taste of the precious feast,
Feast of eternal love;
Think of joys that forever bloom,
Bright in the life above.
Come with a trusting heart to God,
Come and be saved by grace;
Come for He longs to clasp thee now,
Close in His dear embrace.
"Hold Thou my hand; so weak I am, and helpless
I dare not take one step without Thy aid;
Hold thou, my hand; for then, O loving Savior,
No dread of ill shall make my soul afraid.
Hold Thou my hand, and closer, closer draw me
To Thy dear self--my hope, my joy, my all;
Hold Thou my hand, lest haply I should wander,
And, missing Thee, my trembling feet should fall.
Hold Thou my hand; the way is dark before me
Without the sunlight of Thy face divine;
But when by faith I catch its radiant glory,
What heights of joy, when rapturous songs are mine!
Hold Thou my hand, that when I reach the margin
Of that lone river Thou didst cross for me,
A heavenly light may flash along its waters,
And every wave like crystal bright shall be."
Day 21
Not being with *him* doesn't just feel different, it feels wrong. I really believe God wants us together and it is very difficult to say that that is not so when I truly believe it. This weekend was the first time I was with my whole family without him. It is just not right without him there. He is the other part of me, and without him I don't even feel like myself. When we're in the same room together I can feel his presence so strongly. It's like our souls stretch out toward each other, but because we are pulling them back so hard, they cannot quite meet. It is a constant, painful battle. I am begging God to take my feelings for *him* away. I feel like they are even stronger. I dread getting up in the morning. I dread facing yet another day without *him*. I dread every moment of not having him. I don't want to share that level of intimacy with anyone else. I want him. I need him. and I can't have him. I want to be his. I want to be everything to him, and I can't be anything to him. I must force myself to have faith that God has a perfect plan that is good for me. I know this in my mind, but I struggle to accept it in my heart.
Day 18
I am overwhelmed by the abundance of pain that has welled up inside me. Just when you think your heart cannot break any more, the ache bursts through again. It bursts through so forcefully that I grope for breath. I cannot keep breathing. God keeps filling my lungs up. Honestly, I just want to die. I can't do it anymore. God is sustaining me through this, but I do still wish I could just stop breathing. *he* told my friend that he doesn't feel human. I feel just the contrary. I feel very human. I can feel myself so vividly. I feel my toes move, my legs and arms. I feel everything I was going to give to *him* so vividly. And I feel the absense of *his* arms around me. I feel the loneliness of not having *him* beside me, not being there for me. And I miss not being there for *him*.
The Doffed Veil
When low my soul bows toward the earth
And shatt'ring pain replaces mirth.
I question what my life is worth
And I anathematize my birth.
But then, when utter darkness blinds
(When hurt and pain, like iron, binds),
My grabbling soul, a Being finds.
His light exudes, His strength unwinds
The tangled chains that trammel me.
His steadfast love contains a key,
And in His mercy sets me free.
He doffs my veil and lets me see
His character so sure and true,
So faithful and consistent to
My faithless and unstable view
Of that pure Being, my God Who
Never leaves me all alone
And hears my heart, each sob, each groan.
My woe He turns to bliss unknown
He stills my soul with gentle tone.
My soul ought not ache anymore.
My heart need not to suffer nor
To throb nor hate affliction, for
My God has ecstasy in store
February 22, 2006
~Anna Christina
And shatt'ring pain replaces mirth.
I question what my life is worth
And I anathematize my birth.
But then, when utter darkness blinds
(When hurt and pain, like iron, binds),
My grabbling soul, a Being finds.
His light exudes, His strength unwinds
The tangled chains that trammel me.
His steadfast love contains a key,
And in His mercy sets me free.
He doffs my veil and lets me see
His character so sure and true,
So faithful and consistent to
My faithless and unstable view
Of that pure Being, my God Who
Never leaves me all alone
And hears my heart, each sob, each groan.
My woe He turns to bliss unknown
He stills my soul with gentle tone.
My soul ought not ache anymore.
My heart need not to suffer nor
To throb nor hate affliction, for
My God has ecstasy in store
February 22, 2006
~Anna Christina
Stripped Naked
I feel as if I have been stripped naked. Completely doffed of all of m clothing, and find myself standing on the top of a mountain with the icy rain and the angry wind beating feircely on me with no shield of protection. But, ya know, that's when God comes and, ahving ridded us of everything, clothes us with the most beautiful clothing we have ever seen, and builds a glorious mansion around us to shield us from the weather, and provides us with more abundant goodness than we could ever think to ask for.
"Satan trembles when he sees the weakest saint about his knees." ~William Cowper
"The moment you wake up each morning, all your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wilds animals. And the first job each morning cinsists in shoring it all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other, larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in."
"Satan trembles when he sees the weakest saint about his knees." ~William Cowper
"The moment you wake up each morning, all your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wilds animals. And the first job each morning cinsists in shoring it all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other, larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in."
Poems by William Cowper
Light Shining Out of Darkness
God moves in a mysterious way,
His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill,
He treasures up his bright designs
And works his sovereign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust him for his grace;
Behind a frowning providence,
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
Grace and Providence
Almighty King! whose wondrous hand
Supports the weight of sea and land;
Whose grace is such a boundless store,
No heart shall break that sighs for more;
Thy Providence supplies my food,
And 'tis thy blessing makes it good;
My soul is nourished by the word,
Let soul and body praise the Lord.
My streams of outward comfort came
frim him, who built this earthly frame;
Whate'er I want his bounty gives,
By whom my soul forever lives.
Either his hand preserves from pain,
Or, if I feel it, heals again;
From Satan's malice shields my breast,
Or overrules it for the best.
God moves in a mysterious way,
His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill,
He treasures up his bright designs
And works his sovereign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust him for his grace;
Behind a frowning providence,
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
Grace and Providence
Almighty King! whose wondrous hand
Supports the weight of sea and land;
Whose grace is such a boundless store,
No heart shall break that sighs for more;
Thy Providence supplies my food,
And 'tis thy blessing makes it good;
My soul is nourished by the word,
Let soul and body praise the Lord.
My streams of outward comfort came
frim him, who built this earthly frame;
Whate'er I want his bounty gives,
By whom my soul forever lives.
Either his hand preserves from pain,
Or, if I feel it, heals again;
From Satan's malice shields my breast,
Or overrules it for the best.
Day 17
I need my God to encourage my heart today. I am tired, weak, worn down. I need His encouragement. His steadfast love, His strength. I have nothing left within me. only pain. I need God to fill me back up and overflow me with His promises and character. I can't look at *him* or speak to *him* right now. I just can't do it. It is too painful. I hope he doesn't think I am angry with *him*. I'm not. I am just too weak to face him right now.
Day 16
I have so many questions in my mind about contentment and satisfaction. My main question is this: Where is the balance between desire and contentment? I know I am content in Christ. Christ is my satisfaction because I can never be fully satisfied without Him. However, it is not necessarily sin to want or desire something. Even if that desire is just a closer walk with God, it is still a desire--a craving--for something you don't have. So where is the balance between wanting something and being fully content? Something within me thinks that you can do both--be fully satisfied with Christ, yet have a desire for something you lack. I desire God's will in my life more than anything else, yet I desire to have *my ex* . I desire God's will more than *my ex*, however, so does that communicate full contentment? Is it wrong for me to desire to have him? I know I can't have him, so I am fine with that, because I know God has a reason for taking him away. However, it doesn't change the fact that I still want him. That desire is still in my heart, even though I don't want him if he is not good for me. I want God, and if I can't have both, then I choose God. But I want both. So is that a lack of contentment? Or am I satisfied with Christ because I desire Him over *my ex*? I don't have the answer. I wish I did.
"God is as much in my life in peril as He is in prosperity."
"I am the God of both the mountains and the valleys; of both the sunshine and the darkness."
Like Joseph, when I am in an unhappy place, I need to pour myself out into the needs of others, despite my feelings, instead of wallowing in self pity; instead of being blinded by the consumption of my own trying circumstances.
"Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God."
~Isaiah 50:10
"I am the God of both the mountains and the valleys; of both the sunshine and the darkness."
Like Joseph, when I am in an unhappy place, I need to pour myself out into the needs of others, despite my feelings, instead of wallowing in self pity; instead of being blinded by the consumption of my own trying circumstances.
"Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God."
~Isaiah 50:10
Someone told me today that I needed to love the circumstance that God put me in. Embrace it. But can I not thank God for a circumstance without loving that circumstance? Do I have to love the place I am in order to love God for putting me there? I love that God has me where He wants me, but I do not love the place itself. Is that wrong? I love that my parents cared enough to spank me as a child, but I do (or did) not love the spankings themselves. How can I love a circumstance that I hate? I can be thankful for it, but do I have to love it? Is that necessary?
A letter from an unknown friend
I came back to my room today to find this letter sitting on my bed:
Dear Sister in Christ,
I don't know you, but I know exactly what you're going through--up until January 6, I, too was engaged. I want you to know that I am praying for you--for peace, for comfort, for intense knowledge of God's presence and control. I'm praying that you will feel God's arms of love wrapped around you tighter than you've ever felt them before. I'm praying that the Lord will help you study when you feel like crying, and that He'll help you concentrate when you don't feel like thinking at all, and that He'll help you be a blessing to others when you so desperately need to be blessed yourself.
I'm praying that when you've cried all the tears you can and your heart still aches, that the Lord will be so real to you.
I wish I could tell you how well I understand your pain, and I wish I could show you that it truly will work out for good, but you'll have to discover that for yourself in God's Word. The verses at the bottom have been a great help to me the past month--I hope they'll encourage you, too.
Just trust Him one day at a time, and He will get you through.
A friend,
Anneji Noele
Psalm 139:17-18
Psalm 138:3, 7-8
Lam. 3:22-25; 31-33; 56-58
2 Cor. 7:5-6
2 Cor. 4:8
Dear Sister in Christ,
I don't know you, but I know exactly what you're going through--up until January 6, I, too was engaged. I want you to know that I am praying for you--for peace, for comfort, for intense knowledge of God's presence and control. I'm praying that you will feel God's arms of love wrapped around you tighter than you've ever felt them before. I'm praying that the Lord will help you study when you feel like crying, and that He'll help you concentrate when you don't feel like thinking at all, and that He'll help you be a blessing to others when you so desperately need to be blessed yourself.
I'm praying that when you've cried all the tears you can and your heart still aches, that the Lord will be so real to you.
I wish I could tell you how well I understand your pain, and I wish I could show you that it truly will work out for good, but you'll have to discover that for yourself in God's Word. The verses at the bottom have been a great help to me the past month--I hope they'll encourage you, too.
Just trust Him one day at a time, and He will get you through.
A friend,
Anneji Noele
Psalm 139:17-18
Psalm 138:3, 7-8
Lam. 3:22-25; 31-33; 56-58
2 Cor. 7:5-6
2 Cor. 4:8
God of Sunshine and Darkness
"I am the God of both the mountains and the valleys; of both the sunshine and the darkness."
"Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God." ~Isaiah 50:10
"Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God." ~Isaiah 50:10
Day 15
I see the tears dripping down my pillow. The tearstains on the pillow reflect the stains on my face. I cannot see. I am blind. I cannot see as much as my hand in front of my face. I cannot hear, I cannot see, I cannot understand. But I can feel. Goodness, can I feel. The pain is so intense that it takes my breath away. I cannot breathe. Yet somehow my lungs keep filling back up with air. I can feel the hot tears against my cheeks. I can feel my eyes swelling from the continual outflow. I can feel each time my lungs inflate. I can feel. I cannot see, though. I thought I saw that bright beautiful place a few weeks ago, but I have found another shadow. That shadow is called discouragement. It is called frustration. It is called fear. It is called intense pain. Either God led me to a small clearing where the sunlight infiltrated through the tall dark trees, before we continued along the dark trail out of the forest, or God picked me up and let me catch a glimpse of that beautiful place he is taking me. I don't know which is truth. All I know is that I am back in the darkness. No...I cannot see. I am blind, but I can feel that God is there. I feel like I am clutching about, frantically searching for the comfort of His hand. I am blind, but when I find His hand again, I will be able to feel it.
I am haunted in my dreams. Reality haunts me. But even when I sleep there is no relief. I dreamed that he came back to me with the realization that he did love me; that he did want me. We talked, we restored our brokenness. But I woke up, and Reality haunted me; stung me like the venom of a snake. And the pain intensified within me and swelled each organ within me so I could feel each one. The pain no longer writhes up and down, rather, it has taken on the form of my soul so that it covers me from head to toe, infiltrating to the outermost extremities of my being. It stills me, because movement means pain. My fingers move with anguish, my eyes look around in pain. My legs carry me in hurt and intense weakness.
I am broken and beaten.
God, You have taken everything and left only feelings. Instead of pain, let me feel Your hands holding my heart back together, let me feel your unconditional love take on the form of my soul, and kick the pain out of my weak being. Strengthen my frailty.
I find myself begging God the same (except opposite) prayer I prayed 2 years ago. I begged God to give me feelings for him, or to change his mind. He liked me, I hadf no feelings for him. I begged God that if He wanted us together to give me feelings for him, or if it was not right to change his mind. Now I find myself pleading with God to take those feelings away if it is not to be, or to change his mind. It seems like such a contradiction. Yet I have to trust that God knows what He is doing.
I am haunted in my dreams. Reality haunts me. But even when I sleep there is no relief. I dreamed that he came back to me with the realization that he did love me; that he did want me. We talked, we restored our brokenness. But I woke up, and Reality haunted me; stung me like the venom of a snake. And the pain intensified within me and swelled each organ within me so I could feel each one. The pain no longer writhes up and down, rather, it has taken on the form of my soul so that it covers me from head to toe, infiltrating to the outermost extremities of my being. It stills me, because movement means pain. My fingers move with anguish, my eyes look around in pain. My legs carry me in hurt and intense weakness.
I am broken and beaten.
God, You have taken everything and left only feelings. Instead of pain, let me feel Your hands holding my heart back together, let me feel your unconditional love take on the form of my soul, and kick the pain out of my weak being. Strengthen my frailty.
I find myself begging God the same (except opposite) prayer I prayed 2 years ago. I begged God to give me feelings for him, or to change his mind. He liked me, I hadf no feelings for him. I begged God that if He wanted us together to give me feelings for him, or if it was not right to change his mind. Now I find myself pleading with God to take those feelings away if it is not to be, or to change his mind. It seems like such a contradiction. Yet I have to trust that God knows what He is doing.
Give Me Wings
Give me wings
and let me fly
I've mastered it while sleeping
Give me strength
and let me soar
When overcome with weeping
Give me heart
and let me stitch
the pieces back together
Give me soul
and let me tell
it never to remember
Give me mind
and let me sleep
I yearn so to take flight
Give me wings
and let me fly
and end the darkened night
and let me fly
I've mastered it while sleeping
Give me strength
and let me soar
When overcome with weeping
Give me heart
and let me stitch
the pieces back together
Give me soul
and let me tell
it never to remember
Give me mind
and let me sleep
I yearn so to take flight
Give me wings
and let me fly
and end the darkened night
Day 12
"Honey, there's other fish in the sea." Don't ever say that to a girl who's fiance brok up with her. It is NOT encouraging. We know there are boys out there. We've already scoped them all out, and picked one--the one that we want the most, and though a million schools of fish swim by, none of them quite meet up to that one, because that one belongs to you. You can march 100 of the hottest men in front of a girl who loves one man, and she can look them all over and still contentedly go back to her one beloved. So don't tell me there's other fish in the sea. I am aware of that fact. I just don't want any of them.
I am officially on hard core boy strike! This is good because I am at least acknowledging the existence of the male population at large. Now let me explain what boy strike is. When I go on boy strike, it means that I don't go on any dates (unless I want to of course...which is highly unlikely). Boy strike also entails (and this is my personal favorite) the eloquent regurgitation of any rude, mean, derrogatory comment about the general population of boys. Specific-boy hating comments are not allowed, but any general comments about boys are welcome with open arms. Basically, boy striek means you can say mean comments about boys to make you feel better. Really, it's just fun telling people, "I'm on boy strike." Try it. I know you'll love it.
I am officially on hard core boy strike! This is good because I am at least acknowledging the existence of the male population at large. Now let me explain what boy strike is. When I go on boy strike, it means that I don't go on any dates (unless I want to of course...which is highly unlikely). Boy strike also entails (and this is my personal favorite) the eloquent regurgitation of any rude, mean, derrogatory comment about the general population of boys. Specific-boy hating comments are not allowed, but any general comments about boys are welcome with open arms. Basically, boy striek means you can say mean comments about boys to make you feel better. Really, it's just fun telling people, "I'm on boy strike." Try it. I know you'll love it.
Valentines Day Friend
I'm walking to work, on the verge of tears from spending a lonely Valentines Day lunch in my room alone. I run into my friend who has been a listening ear and a caring companion through my achings. He stands there, delivering a beautiful bouquet of flowers to his fiance; the classic symbol of love and affection. He sees me, smiles and says, after a long moment of awkward silent decision making of what to or not to say, "Anna, I want to give you something." He reaches in the back seat of his car and pulls out a thorned, dis-shoveled, wilted, crimson rose. Holding it out toward me he offers forth a "Happy Valentines Day." The rose, though disfigured and unhealthy was so beautiful to me. It sparkled and shimmered as it proclaimed its message of friendship, beauty, and thoughtfulness. It smelled of sweet music and felt of soft tenderness. One rose symbolizing such a vibrant theme becomes so much more desireable than a hundred roses of obligation and duty. That poor pitiful, wilted rose stands its head strong and brave above all the rest. Oh the beauty of a caring friend.
The pain just oozes out from anywhere it can find a place of escape. it writhes within me and eats my appitite, strangles my happiness, and steals the soundness of my sleep. It is an unwanted invador that may stay without my consent as long as he pleases.
The pain just oozes out from anywhere it can find a place of escape. it writhes within me and eats my appitite, strangles my happiness, and steals the soundness of my sleep. It is an unwanted invador that may stay without my consent as long as he pleases.
Day 11
Valentines Day~
What is there possibly to say about a broken heart on the one day that we celebrate the giving of that heart. You try to hide what is broken, especially when it is being compared to a conglomeration of unmarred hearts. My friend wanted me to put her half-completed homework on the bottom of the stack, so everyone couldn't see it. That's what I tried to do today with my shattered heart. How long will it go un-repaired? A soul is given but one heart in a lifetime. If she gives it to someone to hold and he drops it, will the shattered pieces remain unpieced? Or will they eventually be bonded back together to form a yet stronger bond? I cannot answer that question, because though I have attempted to scoop up the pieces, I am finding more and more pieces scattered about the room, lost and unrestored.
I know how it feels to be shattered, to be scattered, to be lost, to be alone.
How do you find every piece of a broken vessel? Is it possible? Right now it feels like an unachievable goal. One I hope to accomplish but cannot see the potential.
I asked God to change his heart today. I don't hope in that. I want God to do His will, but it doesn't hurt to ask. The worst He can say is no.
What is there possibly to say about a broken heart on the one day that we celebrate the giving of that heart. You try to hide what is broken, especially when it is being compared to a conglomeration of unmarred hearts. My friend wanted me to put her half-completed homework on the bottom of the stack, so everyone couldn't see it. That's what I tried to do today with my shattered heart. How long will it go un-repaired? A soul is given but one heart in a lifetime. If she gives it to someone to hold and he drops it, will the shattered pieces remain unpieced? Or will they eventually be bonded back together to form a yet stronger bond? I cannot answer that question, because though I have attempted to scoop up the pieces, I am finding more and more pieces scattered about the room, lost and unrestored.
I know how it feels to be shattered, to be scattered, to be lost, to be alone.
How do you find every piece of a broken vessel? Is it possible? Right now it feels like an unachievable goal. One I hope to accomplish but cannot see the potential.
I asked God to change his heart today. I don't hope in that. I want God to do His will, but it doesn't hurt to ask. The worst He can say is no.
Excerpts from Lamentations
"Look and see if there is any sorrow like my sorrow, which was brought upon me..for these things I weep; my eyes flow with tears; for a comforter is far from me, one to revive my spirit.... Look, O Lord, for I am in distress; my stomach churns; my heart is wrung within me.... They [everyone] heard my groaning. Yet there is no one to comfort me.... For my groans are many, and my heart is faint.... My eyes are spent with weeping; my stomach churns...'Arise, cry out in the night.... Pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord!' My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, 'My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.' Remember my affliction and my wanderings, my soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.... for the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though He cause grief, He will have compassion according to the abundance of His steadfast love; for He does not willingly afflict or greive the children of men.... Who has spoken and it came to pass, unless the Lord has commanded it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come? Why should a living man complain, a man, about the punishment of his sins? Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord! Let us lift up our hearts and hands to God in heaven.... My eyes will flow without ceasing, without respite, until the Lord from heaven looks down and sees; my eyes cause me grief....'I am lost. I called on your name, O Lord, from the depth of the pit; you heard my plea, 'Do no close your ear to my cry for help!' You came near when I called on you; You said, 'Do not fear!' You have taken up my case O Lord; You have redeemed my life. You have seen the wrong done to me, O Lord; judge my cause.'"
Day 10
I have resigned myself to strictly praying for GOd's perfect will in my life. We want, and receive not because we do not ask. We ask and receive not because we ask for selfish reasons. I have decided that what I desire is simply to be in the center of God's will. I cannot pray for God to give him back to me, because I am asking for selfish reasons. But if I ask nothing, then I will receive nothing. I need to ask for what I desire if that desire is not born out of a selfish heart. God will answer. He promises to. So I will ask Him daily to hold me in His will. I cannot stray from His will when I am seeking to follow it daily (James 3).
Day 9
I stood up today and gave testimony of my God as I worshiped him this morning. We sang "Sometimes a Light Surprises" by William Cowper, and I was able to stand up and sing every thought with every ounce of my heart because it tells of a God who I have gotten to know this week. My friend told me that he got the goosebumps watching me sing, because he knew how real the words I was singing were to me. That's what I wanted. I wanted my friends to worship God more intently today with me because they knew my cirumstances. If God can be that real to me during this dark time, then He shows himself that real to everyone else. He is such a magnificant God.
I hurt. Nothing can change that fact. My stomach growls, yet I'm not hungry. I miss him. That's all there is to it. I am lonely without him. Sure, I have friends; lots of them--lots of wonderful friends. But I am still lonely without him. I am always a little bit better when I stay busy. But yet, I don't want to stay so busy that I ignore the pain. That is not healthy. I just have to trust God and do right and everyting else will fall into place. I need not worry. But I do need still to hurt. Let me grieve, let me cry, let me miss him, only let me do these things in the arms of God.
I hurt. Nothing can change that fact. My stomach growls, yet I'm not hungry. I miss him. That's all there is to it. I am lonely without him. Sure, I have friends; lots of them--lots of wonderful friends. But I am still lonely without him. I am always a little bit better when I stay busy. But yet, I don't want to stay so busy that I ignore the pain. That is not healthy. I just have to trust God and do right and everyting else will fall into place. I need not worry. But I do need still to hurt. Let me grieve, let me cry, let me miss him, only let me do these things in the arms of God.
Day 8
Frustrated. I am so frustrated by this whole thing. He will not tell me his reason for breaking up and it is so hard on me. I am out of tears so I don't know how to mourn right now. It's just an uneasy, awkward feeling mixed with an exuberant amount of frustration. I go from saying, "I don't even want him anymore" to saying "I want him so badly." I don't have closure that it is over for good. And I need that. He is throwing salt in the wound by not being straight forward with me. Oh, God, It hurts so bad!! I am back to just wanting to lay still, and never move again. It hurts and my mind is whirling. I can't get it to stop.
People will make you feel guilty for questioning the situation. Don't listen to it. As long as you are not questioning God, you are not sinning by asking valid questions about a decision. And as far as asking God the question "Why," there is a good and a bad to that. If you are questioning God's character and motives, you are wrong in asking "why." But, if you are saying "God, I don't understand!" then you are only questioning your own understanding which is a good thing. There is nothing wrong with saying the words "Why, God." It all depends upon your meaning behind it.
He talked to my friend tonight. It hurt me more than anything to see him telling all our friends why and he refuses to tell me. That is painful for me. I am going to try to be patient. I think that is on God's "For Anna To Learn Next" list. Regardless of all of this, I WILL NOT be angry. I WILL NOT let Satan defeat me. He is trying hard, and he will NOT win. I refuse to give in. God is my strength and my defender. Trusting in Him will always give me the victory.
People will make you feel guilty for questioning the situation. Don't listen to it. As long as you are not questioning God, you are not sinning by asking valid questions about a decision. And as far as asking God the question "Why," there is a good and a bad to that. If you are questioning God's character and motives, you are wrong in asking "why." But, if you are saying "God, I don't understand!" then you are only questioning your own understanding which is a good thing. There is nothing wrong with saying the words "Why, God." It all depends upon your meaning behind it.
He talked to my friend tonight. It hurt me more than anything to see him telling all our friends why and he refuses to tell me. That is painful for me. I am going to try to be patient. I think that is on God's "For Anna To Learn Next" list. Regardless of all of this, I WILL NOT be angry. I WILL NOT let Satan defeat me. He is trying hard, and he will NOT win. I refuse to give in. God is my strength and my defender. Trusting in Him will always give me the victory.
Day 7
I am so happy. I can hardly help but smile! It doesn't seem to make sense. God has taken everything away from me, yet I am exceptionally happy and joyful. There is only one way to explain it: God has taken everything out of my cup so He could fill it up, and overflow it with joy. I have been so blind to the reality of God for a long time. Through the circumstances He has brought me through, He has shown Himself so real to me, and my heart overflows with praise and thankfulness. I have found myself again. I am my joyful, exuberant self again. I forgot who I was. And now I remember. I am in such a bright, luscious place right now. I never want to leave this place ever again. I can honestly say that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me! That is so weird to say, but it's true. It woke me up. And I can't thank my wonderful Savior enough!
I can still see myself with him. I have no hope in that, but I can see us together. However, I am not willing to be in that relationship if it forces me back into that dark place. I refuse to go back there. If it is possible to spend the rest of my life with him and stay in this wonderful, beautiful place, then I would be the happiest girl on earth. To have both would be a miraculous gift. But if I have to choose between the two, I pick the joy over him. And as time passes, I pray that God will rid me of my feelings for him. I know that I am in the center of God's will right now, and that is such a liberating feeling. And if God allows him to stand with me in the center of His will, wonderful. If not, then I am fully convinced that He has something so much better in mind. I love him so much that I am willing to let him go. I love him so much that my sole desire for him is that he will find the one person that will be the absolute best for him. If that person is me, then I will feel honored and undeserving, but if that person is not me, then I am happy to be seperate from him so God can put that right person in his path. I am so excited to see how God will work out both of our lives.
I can still see myself with him. I have no hope in that, but I can see us together. However, I am not willing to be in that relationship if it forces me back into that dark place. I refuse to go back there. If it is possible to spend the rest of my life with him and stay in this wonderful, beautiful place, then I would be the happiest girl on earth. To have both would be a miraculous gift. But if I have to choose between the two, I pick the joy over him. And as time passes, I pray that God will rid me of my feelings for him. I know that I am in the center of God's will right now, and that is such a liberating feeling. And if God allows him to stand with me in the center of His will, wonderful. If not, then I am fully convinced that He has something so much better in mind. I love him so much that I am willing to let him go. I love him so much that my sole desire for him is that he will find the one person that will be the absolute best for him. If that person is me, then I will feel honored and undeserving, but if that person is not me, then I am happy to be seperate from him so God can put that right person in his path. I am so excited to see how God will work out both of our lives.
Leaning Hard
Child of my love, lean hard,
And let me feel the pressure of thy care.
I know thy burden, child; I shaped it,
Poised in mine own hand, made no proportion
in its weight to thine unaided strength,
For even as I laid it on I said,
"I shall be near, and while she leans on me,
This burden shall be mine, not hers;
So shall I keep my child within the circling arms
of mine own love." Here lay it down, nor fear
To impose it on a shoulder which upholds the government of worlds.
Yet closer come,
Thou art not near enough, I would embrace thy care,
So I might feel my child reposing on my breast.
Thou lovest me? I know it. Doubt not, then,
But, loving me, lean hard.
~Isabel Kuhn
And let me feel the pressure of thy care.
I know thy burden, child; I shaped it,
Poised in mine own hand, made no proportion
in its weight to thine unaided strength,
For even as I laid it on I said,
"I shall be near, and while she leans on me,
This burden shall be mine, not hers;
So shall I keep my child within the circling arms
of mine own love." Here lay it down, nor fear
To impose it on a shoulder which upholds the government of worlds.
Yet closer come,
Thou art not near enough, I would embrace thy care,
So I might feel my child reposing on my breast.
Thou lovest me? I know it. Doubt not, then,
But, loving me, lean hard.
~Isabel Kuhn
I Must Tell Jesus
I must tell Jesus all about my trials;
I cannot bear these burdens alone;
In my distress He kindly will help me;
He ever loves and cares for His own.
I must tell Jesus all of my troubles;
He is a kind, compassionate friend;
If I but ask Him, He will deliver,
Make of my troubles quickly an end.
Tempted and tried I need a great Savior,
One Who can help my burdens to bear;
I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus;
He all my cares and sorrows will share.
O how the world to evil allures me!
O how my heart is tempted to sin!
I must tell Jesus, and He will help me
Over the world the victory to win.
I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus! I cannot bear my burdens alone. Jesus can help me.
Jesus alone.
I cannot bear these burdens alone;
In my distress He kindly will help me;
He ever loves and cares for His own.
I must tell Jesus all of my troubles;
He is a kind, compassionate friend;
If I but ask Him, He will deliver,
Make of my troubles quickly an end.
Tempted and tried I need a great Savior,
One Who can help my burdens to bear;
I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus;
He all my cares and sorrows will share.
O how the world to evil allures me!
O how my heart is tempted to sin!
I must tell Jesus, and He will help me
Over the world the victory to win.
I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus! I cannot bear my burdens alone. Jesus can help me.
Jesus alone.
~Elisha Hoffman
Day 6
I have been encouraged by the character of God! It is such a liberating feeling. No, the hurt is not less painful; just...less important. I find myself walking today with my head up, and a slight smile on my face because I have found my main desire: my desire is to hold His hand and let Him lead me out of this dark place. I felt the comfort of His hand before, but I was too afraid to move. I am actually excited about the prospect of a different life. I am confused by my excitement. I must have learned how to lean hard on my Father. I am excited to see just how bright and brilliant the place is that He is leading me to! And though we are still following a path that is full of darkness, I know it is the path that leads out of this dark place. I have found that hope. A hope for an amazingly brilliant place. That hope rests in my God.
I have a sense of peace. What scares me about that is I have a glimmer of hope and assurance inside of a restored relationship with him. I don't know where it came from though and I can't think that. I can't have hope in that. My hope should rest solely on God. But I am not going to lie to myself either and try to tell myself that that feeling is not there. I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know whether to try to squelch it; just to ignore it, and maybe it will go away? I don't know whether or not to give it relevance in my mind...I just don't know. I talked to a mutual friend last night who told me that my exfiance is not doing as well as he appears to be. It comforts me in a way to know that it is as hard for him. But another part of me is worried about him. I am concerned for his wellbeing.
"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him."
Job 13:15
I have a sense of peace. What scares me about that is I have a glimmer of hope and assurance inside of a restored relationship with him. I don't know where it came from though and I can't think that. I can't have hope in that. My hope should rest solely on God. But I am not going to lie to myself either and try to tell myself that that feeling is not there. I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know whether to try to squelch it; just to ignore it, and maybe it will go away? I don't know whether or not to give it relevance in my mind...I just don't know. I talked to a mutual friend last night who told me that my exfiance is not doing as well as he appears to be. It comforts me in a way to know that it is as hard for him. But another part of me is worried about him. I am concerned for his wellbeing.
Thy Way Not Mine
Thy way not mine, O Lord, however dark it be;
Lead me by Thine own hand; choose out the path for me;
smooth let it be, or rough, it will be still the best;
winding or straight, it leads right onward to Thy rest.
I dare not choose my lot; I would not if I might:
Choose Thou for me, my God, so I shall walk aright.
Take Thou my cup, and it with joy or sorrow fill,
As best to Thee may seem, choose Thou my good and ill.
Choose Thou for me my friends, my sickness, or my health;
Choose Thou my cares for me, my poverty, or wealth.
Not mine, not mine the choice in things both great and small.
Be Thou my Guide, my Strength, my Wisdom, and my All.
~Horatius Bonar
"I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you."
John 14:18
Lead me by Thine own hand; choose out the path for me;
smooth let it be, or rough, it will be still the best;
winding or straight, it leads right onward to Thy rest.
I dare not choose my lot; I would not if I might:
Choose Thou for me, my God, so I shall walk aright.
Take Thou my cup, and it with joy or sorrow fill,
As best to Thee may seem, choose Thou my good and ill.
Choose Thou for me my friends, my sickness, or my health;
Choose Thou my cares for me, my poverty, or wealth.
Not mine, not mine the choice in things both great and small.
Be Thou my Guide, my Strength, my Wisdom, and my All.
~Horatius Bonar
"I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you."
John 14:18
Like A Stranger
I still feel like a stranger is living inside of me. Like I do not know myself anymore. But I do feel like I have formed myself to a point--my voice is back. I can think and evaluate more accurately again. I, somewhere, lost that ability. It's been gone for a while, but it's back now, and I embrace it with both arms.
Day 5
Life is full of heartache; so many stories of grief, lost loves, dashed hopes, sorrow, and intense pain. It's a comfort in a way to realize that life goes on.
People have told me this past week to "set your affections on things above." That I don't need to look at him or communicate to him because my affections are elsewhere now.
Don't believe it. I'm not fooling God to say, "My affections are no longer with this guy that I love." I am only lying to myself and forcing the grief temporarily out of my mind. Don't do it! Grief has to come out. I only hurt myself by putting off the grief. It is not sin to grieve. It is not sin to tell God that it hurts. It is not sin to tell God that you do not understand. it is only sin when we refuse to jump into the comforting arms of our God. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to grieve, grieve. If you're having a hard day, then have a hard day. It is OK. ONly keep your eyes fixed on the face of your God. His eyes will comfort, his mouth will cheer, his ears will hear our rownings. His tongue will say, "Come to me, my precious child." His heart will say, "I feel your grief. I understand your sorrow." His hands will say, "Put your hand in mine." His feet will say, "Let me lead you to a joyful place." His strength will say, "You cannot walk? Let me carry you." His compassion will say, "Your tears won't stop? Let me dry them." His sovereignty will say, "You don't understand? Let me show you." His patience will say, "You need time? Let me give that to you." His love will say, "You feel unloved? Let me love you." His light will say, "You are scared in darkness? Let me give you light."
"Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteem him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. He was wounded for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His stripes, we are healed."
People have told me this past week to "set your affections on things above." That I don't need to look at him or communicate to him because my affections are elsewhere now.
Don't believe it. I'm not fooling God to say, "My affections are no longer with this guy that I love." I am only lying to myself and forcing the grief temporarily out of my mind. Don't do it! Grief has to come out. I only hurt myself by putting off the grief. It is not sin to grieve. It is not sin to tell God that it hurts. It is not sin to tell God that you do not understand. it is only sin when we refuse to jump into the comforting arms of our God. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to grieve, grieve. If you're having a hard day, then have a hard day. It is OK. ONly keep your eyes fixed on the face of your God. His eyes will comfort, his mouth will cheer, his ears will hear our rownings. His tongue will say, "Come to me, my precious child." His heart will say, "I feel your grief. I understand your sorrow." His hands will say, "Put your hand in mine." His feet will say, "Let me lead you to a joyful place." His strength will say, "You cannot walk? Let me carry you." His compassion will say, "Your tears won't stop? Let me dry them." His sovereignty will say, "You don't understand? Let me show you." His patience will say, "You need time? Let me give that to you." His love will say, "You feel unloved? Let me love you." His light will say, "You are scared in darkness? Let me give you light."
"Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteem him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. He was wounded for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His stripes, we are healed."
Sometimes A Light Surprises
Sometimes a light surprises the Christian While he sings.
It is the Lord who rises with healing in His wings.
When comforts are declining
He grants the soul again a season of clear shining
to cheer it after rain.
In holy contemplation we sweetly then pursue
the theme of God's salvation
and find it ever new.
Set free from present sorrows
we cheerfully can say,
"Let the unknown tomorrow
bring with it what it may."
It can bring with it nothing,
but He will bear us through.
Who gives the lilies clothing
will clothe his people too.
Beneath the spreading heavens,
no creature but is fed.
And He who feeds the ravens
will give His children bread.
Though vine, nor fig tree, neither
their wanted fruit should bear.
Though all the fields should wither,
nor flocks, nor herds be there.
Yet God the same abiding,
His praise shall tune my voice.
For while in Him confiding
I cannot but rejoice!
~William Cowper
He grants the soul again a season of clear shining
to cheer it after rain.
In holy contemplation we sweetly then pursue
the theme of God's salvation
and find it ever new.
Set free from present sorrows
we cheerfully can say,
"Let the unknown tomorrow
bring with it what it may."
It can bring with it nothing,
but He will bear us through.
Who gives the lilies clothing
will clothe his people too.
Beneath the spreading heavens,
no creature but is fed.
And He who feeds the ravens
will give His children bread.
Though vine, nor fig tree, neither
their wanted fruit should bear.
Though all the fields should wither,
nor flocks, nor herds be there.
Yet God the same abiding,
His praise shall tune my voice.
For while in Him confiding
I cannot but rejoice!
~William Cowper
Bubble Gum and Candy Factories
We are so content with a 25 cent piece of bubblegum when God is trying to give us the entire candy factory. In our foolishness we kick and scream as God pulls us away from that candy dispenser and carries us to the factory to over-satisfy our desires. I guess if we kick and scream hard enough, He will give us that piece of gum to chew on for a while. But eventually, He will have to take it away, so He can fill our mouths with an abundance of goodness. Why can't we just say, "OK, God?"
Day 4
The shock is becoming real. I just want to sit and stare. I shutter at the thought of doing anything right now. I'm scared to move. My muscles all ache with emotion. Even writing right now goes against everything within me, but I do it because I feel like it may profit someone to write down my feelings as they come. It has been four days now and the hurt has not subsided. The only thing that has changed is that my tears are hard to find at times, and I have gotten somewhat used to the hurt. These things don't change the intensity of the heart, only the newness of it. I cannot concentrate no matter how hard I try. The pain is growing. It is taking over more of myself. It started in my stomach and has now grown into my lungs so that it is difficult to breathe.
When I do find my tears, I cannot get rid of them.
I was wrong...I was wrong. The pain is not in my lungs, it is behind my lungs, in my heart. My heart has broken. I can point out exactly where the source of pain is. It penetrates into the life-giving organ in my body. The organ that affects every other aspect of my life; my heart. When a physical heart is pierced or wounded, it bleeds, then dies. When an emotional heart is wounded or pierced, it is expected to heal. I don't know how to keep it beating. It just does, but it doesn't feel like it should.
The only thing I know to do right now is to breath in and then out. And get out of bed in the mornings...and just keep doing something...anything, because I am afraid that if I stop I will never start again. I never imagined anything could be this painful.
When I do find my tears, I cannot get rid of them.
I was wrong...I was wrong. The pain is not in my lungs, it is behind my lungs, in my heart. My heart has broken. I can point out exactly where the source of pain is. It penetrates into the life-giving organ in my body. The organ that affects every other aspect of my life; my heart. When a physical heart is pierced or wounded, it bleeds, then dies. When an emotional heart is wounded or pierced, it is expected to heal. I don't know how to keep it beating. It just does, but it doesn't feel like it should.
The only thing I know to do right now is to breath in and then out. And get out of bed in the mornings...and just keep doing something...anything, because I am afraid that if I stop I will never start again. I never imagined anything could be this painful.
Be Still My Soul
Be still my soul,
when dearest friends depart
and all is darkened
in the vale of tears.
Then shalt thou better know His love,
His heart
Who comes to soothe
thy sorrow and thy fears
Be still my soul
the waves and winds still know
His voice
Who ruled them while He dwelt below.
God is good. Believe that.
when dearest friends depart
and all is darkened
in the vale of tears.
Then shalt thou better know His love,
His heart
Who comes to soothe
thy sorrow and thy fears
Be still my soul
the waves and winds still know
His voice
Who ruled them while He dwelt below.
God is good. Believe that.
Day 1
I've lost my sense of feeling. I am freezing but it doesn't matter for some reason. My friend made me wrap up in a blanket, but it didn't make any difference. Cold doesn't feel cold. I wash my hands in hot water to warm myself, but hot doesn't feel hot. Nothing seems right. Nothing seems like it is the right thing to do. I have no desire for anything. No desire to warm myself, no desire to eat, no desire to sleep. No desire to do homework. No real desire to do anything. No desire to be with people, but no desire to be alone. The hurt just sits there, writhing up and down inside me. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
Sitting in church makes me remember sitting with him. And I am lost without him beside me. I cannot sing without hearing him sing beside me. I cannot think but that I want to tell him everything that goes through my head. I cannot laugh without hearing his laugh. I cannot snicker to myself without leaning over to share the moment, only to discover, he's not there. I cannot see him without longing for him. I cannot cry without feeling his comforting arms around me. but then I realize that I cry because those arems are no longer available to me. I cannot feel reality. All I can feel is memory. I can feel what is not truly there. I cannot feel cold, hot, the comfort of true arms. I cannot feel what is true, only what no longer is. I am a stranger to myself. I am lost. I cannot see for the total darkness. But there is one thing I feel: God's hand.
Sitting in church makes me remember sitting with him. And I am lost without him beside me. I cannot sing without hearing him sing beside me. I cannot think but that I want to tell him everything that goes through my head. I cannot laugh without hearing his laugh. I cannot snicker to myself without leaning over to share the moment, only to discover, he's not there. I cannot see him without longing for him. I cannot cry without feeling his comforting arms around me. but then I realize that I cry because those arems are no longer available to me. I cannot feel reality. All I can feel is memory. I can feel what is not truly there. I cannot feel cold, hot, the comfort of true arms. I cannot feel what is true, only what no longer is. I am a stranger to myself. I am lost. I cannot see for the total darkness. But there is one thing I feel: God's hand.
We're Engaged!
We're engaged!!! I can't believe it! On my birthday. So often I just get hit with this overwhelming sensation of uncontrollable happiness. It was perfect, special. He proposed at my favorite spot in all the world. How perfect. Wow. And the ring, oh my word!!! It is the most beautiful ring I have ever seen in my life; and it's mine; and he gave it to me. He loves me. After all we've been through together, I just can't believe that it's actually happened! And that in less than 9 months I'm going to be living with him and spending the rest of my life at his side. Wow. I absolutely cannot wait! God gave him to me and I love him. I couldn't ask for anything better, because I could not even begin to dream of having anyone else. He's perfect.
Distance
The depth of the sea
does not compare to my love fore you.
The distance between us
wanes in the measurement of my devotion.
The stars tell me continually
you are near to my heart
Like your star,
I see you still,
Though distance has the upper hand.
I close my eyes
and see you.
You smile at me
You tell me of your live.
I sometimes fear to open my eyes,
to find it all a dream.
But I trust your words
I know you care
and will forever love me.
does not compare to my love fore you.
The distance between us
wanes in the measurement of my devotion.
The stars tell me continually
you are near to my heart
Like your star,
I see you still,
Though distance has the upper hand.
I close my eyes
and see you.
You smile at me
You tell me of your live.
I sometimes fear to open my eyes,
to find it all a dream.
But I trust your words
I know you care
and will forever love me.
While Teaching Abroad (still before engagement)...
I got the sweetest email from him today. Man, I miss that boy! I miss his companionship. I miss not communicating with him like I'm used to. He is my best friend and my dearest friend in all of the world. My life just is not quite the same without him right beside me. I guess it just continues to solidify in my mind that we should be together for life.
About Him...
I have met beautiful men, but I've never met a man so wonderful. How he loves me and all my imperfections I will never know. But I cannot even begin to deserve one so caring and passionate and full of big dreams and hopes. He is the most wonderful man I have ever knwon and I would have laughed out loud if you had told me a year ago that I would write this and feel this way about him. Wow. If this progresses as well as the past few weeks have, and if he breaks up with me, I will never be married. That break up, I dare say, would be worse than anything I have ever experienced. And I have been through a LOT.
I Think I Love Him (before engagement)
I have seen God change my heart. I'm falling in love with him. I never ever in my wildest dreams thought I would, but I am. He is so wonderful! He has won my heart by his unconditional, selfless love that he showed me so constantly for so long. He loved me for an entire year before God put a green light in my path. I knew how wonderful he was, but something was holding me back, and I begged God to take it away and let me fall in love with him, but it remained there until about a month ago when God showed me that I needed to grow up and not base my decisions on fear. He is so wonderful. I miss him. I wish he were here with me right now. But i'm almost glad he is coming after Christmas rather than before. I think it would have been harder to say goodbye to him right before Christmas, but this way I can miss him, yet look forward to spending time with him in a couple of weeks. I can't keep my mind off of that boy! He is the first boy I have trusted his word since I was 16. I thought I would never again let beautiful words affect me...but He is the first since my heart was broken in high school. I kind of think he is "the one." I can't believe I'm saying that, but I do think it.
Dilemma of a Guarded Heart
I hear the steadfast drums that beat
the tune of life so tender.
Remembering its origin
I journeyed to reenter.
I found the place I heard the beat
but found that place was barred.
I yearned to step inside the gates
the iron gate stood guard.
And I, the owner of the place
built up those steadfast walls
to keep from ugliness and pain
that permeate its halls.
But now the gates are barred too tight
and none can enter in,
The iron bars keep me from ever
entering again.
I pulled with all my feeble might
two iron bars opposed.
The stronger of us two did win--
the iron gate stayed closed.
The more I tried to get inside
more fervent my desire,
for something hidden deep within
intensified my fire.
A gift that I alone could give
was safely kept within.
And now I want to give that gift
but simply can't get in.
the tune of life so tender.
Remembering its origin
I journeyed to reenter.
I found the place I heard the beat
but found that place was barred.
I yearned to step inside the gates
the iron gate stood guard.
And I, the owner of the place
built up those steadfast walls
to keep from ugliness and pain
that permeate its halls.
But now the gates are barred too tight
and none can enter in,
The iron bars keep me from ever
entering again.
I pulled with all my feeble might
two iron bars opposed.
The stronger of us two did win--
the iron gate stayed closed.
The more I tried to get inside
more fervent my desire,
for something hidden deep within
intensified my fire.
A gift that I alone could give
was safely kept within.
And now I want to give that gift
but simply can't get in.
Do I Date Him, or Do I Not?
My heart is confused. I am scared of myself. He is so wonderful and my mind knows that, but it's almost as if my heart is barred shut; as if it is unreachable in my relationship with him. It is free to empty its own emotions but refuses to take in any emotion it most desires. I need to grow up, frankly. I'm still waiting for my perfect six foot, all-American, curly-dark haired man to come sweep me off my feet and hold me forever. That's not reality. But he is so far from that fantasy, however, his character and his love for me far exceed any "knight in shining armor." My mind chooses him, but my heart is not yet loyal to him. I am trying desperately to tear open the bars that separate my heart from him, but I can't I don't trust myself that if I see something I like better, I won't go after it instead. That scares me. I refuse to do that to him. That is where my dilemma lies.
Before we dated...
How do I take my feelings and put them into words? He loves me. But I don't love him. It hurts me that he has cared for me for over a year now, and I cannot return his care or devotion. When he talks about me, he is so passionate. I hate that I hurt him. I don't want to, but it's either love him or hurt him. THere is no in between. But I just can't bring myself to love him. So I am resigned to hurt him merely because he loves me. As wonderful as love is, it can be a curse at times. I talked to him today. He wants to marry me, but his parents have a hard time with the fact that I have seizures. So, that, coupled with my unreciprocated feelings, he is condemned to love me at a distance; to care for me as he watches me fall in love with someone else. My parents love him. But as hard as I have tried, I don't.
Preface
This blog is for all of you who are currently struggling with a broken heart. As a senior in college (having just been severed from the love of my life) I searched for a journal, a book...something I could read that would tell me I was not the only person who was experiencing the feelings of utter helplessness and indescribable pain. I couldn't find anything. So I decided to keep a journal for the purpose of helping those of you who are groping for some answers and comfort. The following entries will be straight from my journal and will represent the progression of feelings, comfort, and healing throughout the year. I will be deleting any names that are written in the original journal, but I have left the entries as untainted as possible. It will take me a while to get the entire journal written out, so please bear with me. I pray that this blog will be a small measure of comfort to you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)