Frustrated. I am so frustrated by this whole thing. He will not tell me his reason for breaking up and it is so hard on me. I am out of tears so I don't know how to mourn right now. It's just an uneasy, awkward feeling mixed with an exuberant amount of frustration. I go from saying, "I don't even want him anymore" to saying "I want him so badly." I don't have closure that it is over for good. And I need that. He is throwing salt in the wound by not being straight forward with me. Oh, God, It hurts so bad!! I am back to just wanting to lay still, and never move again. It hurts and my mind is whirling. I can't get it to stop.
People will make you feel guilty for questioning the situation. Don't listen to it. As long as you are not questioning God, you are not sinning by asking valid questions about a decision. And as far as asking God the question "Why," there is a good and a bad to that. If you are questioning God's character and motives, you are wrong in asking "why." But, if you are saying "God, I don't understand!" then you are only questioning your own understanding which is a good thing. There is nothing wrong with saying the words "Why, God." It all depends upon your meaning behind it.
He talked to my friend tonight. It hurt me more than anything to see him telling all our friends why and he refuses to tell me. That is painful for me. I am going to try to be patient. I think that is on God's "For Anna To Learn Next" list. Regardless of all of this, I WILL NOT be angry. I WILL NOT let Satan defeat me. He is trying hard, and he will NOT win. I refuse to give in. God is my strength and my defender. Trusting in Him will always give me the victory.
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