Day 30

I rock back and forth, grasping my knees, humming a disjointed tune in a pitiful attempt to comfort myself. As I sob, the most hideous, pitiful sounds exude out of my mouth--moans of intense, extreme loss. I seriously look like I belong in a mental hospital. It scares me, really, but the rocking and moaning are calming to me, so I continue until my body has exhausted itself and surrenders to sleep.

God, I don't even know how to talk to you, or what to say anymore. But I refuse to stop talking to you. I will continue to come into our presence even when I have nothing to say because I do not want to wonder into worthlessness. Let me come to you in silence. Let me come to you in tears. Let me come to you with a lack of speech, and just sit quietly in your presence.

Day 29

How am I doing? I don't even know how to answer that question anymore. To be frank, I am depressed and am hardening inside. I don't want either of these responses, and by the exceeding abundant grace of my God, He will rescue me out of my despair and will keep me soft and open. Hardening helps the pain, but I know that when this phase of my life is over, my hardened soul will be much more harmful than the pain that infiltrates my shattered heart now. Ya know, in reality, God has revealed the mystery of His will to me. I wan't God's will in my life, and I am blind to see this as God's revelation. What a comforting thought. Through the "riches of His grace, which He lavished upon me, in all wisdon and insight, He made known to me the mystery of His will, according to His purpose." God is good to me and I fail to see that for the wall of pain stands in my way. At least I know now that His will exists on the other side of this wall. I gives me incentive to break through the wall to get to the goodness on the other side. It also gives me a patience to know that no matter how long it takes me to get through the wall, His consistent will will stay there for me until I cn make it to the other side. I feel like I am running full strength forward, as hard as I can, but the emensely strong wind is not only holding me from going forward, but it is pushing me backwards. It exhausts me, and I feel like I will not be able to fight much longer. I will strive to, however, and God will give me just enough strength to get through. I know He will.

Day 27

As I journey through the darkened path, surrounded by the deafening sound of the angry sea walled up on either side of me, I walk, folloing the small dry path, leading away from what threatens me. But when I arrive on the other side, the daylight beats its joyful rays upon me, the ocean walls collapse upon the enemy of my soul, and I am comforted by the deafening silence of peace.
~Inspired by Exodus 4

Day 26

My parents came down to eat with me tonight. I can't face them alone right now. I'm never with them without *him*. *he* is my stability when I am with my family. It hurts too badly to be with them by myself. I don't know how to explain that to them so they understand. I felt so rude to them tonight. I just couldn't get past the lonely insecurity that I felt. It is painfully hard. I'm just taking some time to sit and to do nothing. I need that quiet time right now to not even think. Just to sit. My smile is gone today. I need the oy of God today and I know I don't have it. I try to pour myself into everything so I don't have to think about it, and I think that pushes it deeper into my soul and intensifies the hurt. I'm tired of not knowing how to act, or what to say. I'm tired of facing people, or facing life even. I really do just want to die. I find pleasure in nothing; not even coffee. I just drink it because it keeps me going. I love coffee with a passion, and it doesn't even really taste good to me right now.

I want so badly to just email him and tell him how I feel right now; tell him how hard it is for me to see him right now, and that despite the fact that we've not been together for four weeks, I love him just as much as I did before. That I'm trying very hard to get over this, but that it is progressively seeming harder as reality stands so strong before me. I want so badly to tell him that...or even just to say "I love you" to him. But I know I can't. Fridays through Mondays are the hardest four days of the week. At least the other three days are typically a little easier.
The couple I mentioned earlier that we were going to lease from in the fall called me yesterday. That was a very difficult phone call to answer, and it just made today rather difficult; remembering that we were going to live together, enjoy the benefits of living together for the rest of our lives. It was just, well...very difficult. Couple that with being with my family alone for the first time in a year was probably the hardest thing to deal with. I hurt more when I am with them than I do any other time. The pain is just so intense that each breath is harder and harder to take. God will get me through even this. I know it.

Day 25

Where are you??? Why aren't you here beside me? Where are you When my face is wet and cold with tears, where are you? Why aren't you here? I need you, and you're not here. When my face is hot with the fever of pain, why aren't you here?
I need you.
Please come back.

Day 24

Today makes 4 weeks. It actually wasn't as hard as I expected. I kept really busy, and only cried hard once. The couple who were going to rent us an apartment in August called me today. I had to tell them that we're no longer getting married. I guess *he* called them and told them that we will not be needing the apartment. That was really hard. I don't want to live with Nikki and Meagan. I want to live with *him*. I want to spend my life with *him*. I want to live with him.

My crying has become soft. It's like when a child's cry breaks and turns from anger to straight pain. I cry strictly because it hurts; strictly because I miss him. I miss my best friend. I pray for him, and that is the extent of the influence on his life that I can have, and visa versa. I hope he prays for me.

4 weeks.... It seems like it has been a lifetime, yet, it is so fresh it could have been yesterday. I love him. That has not changed. I wish I could stop. But I don't know how.


I feel cold to my emotions tonight. It's like, I feel them--I hurt--yet, I cannot reach it somehow. I cannot reach the hurting spot right now. My body is cold to it. It scares me. Tears are a resonse to hurt. Morning is a way of healing. and I can't reach them. I want the tears to flow right now, but they do not come to comfort. I just sit here, unable to touch the pain. I can se it; I know where it is, but somehow it got locked up for the time being and I can't figure out how to let it out.

Day 22

I was at my lowest point last night. I could not sleep because my mind was racing up and down along side of the pain within me. I grabbed my Bible, went downstairs, and wept harder than I have ever wept before. I found myself sprawled out on my face, my tears saturating the carpet that my face pressed against, and I cried out to God in complete agony, despair, and humility. I could not get any lower as I begged God to not ignore me. As I begged Him to be to me what I know in my mind that He is, I sang pitifully, but genuinely, the William Cowper text of "Sometimes a light surprises the Christan while she sings. It is the Lord who rises with healing in His wings." I told Him that I could not feel His healing because of the extreme outflow of agony. I begged Him not to let Satan win in my life, not to let him defeat me. I told Him that I wanted to doe, that I was tired of living, that I was tired of being broken, but that I wanted to have the attitude of Paul "to abide in the flesh is more needful for you." I begged God to strengthen me, but to remind me everyday that that strength is from Him. My words took the form of groans and I was reminded of Romans 8 where it says "The spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." As I pulled myself up off of the floor, after an hour of intense prayer, weeping and groaning, I opened my Bible to the Psalms, and God pointed me to Psalm 31:

"In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me! Incline your hear to me; rescue me speedily! Be a rock of refuge for me. a strong fortress to save me! For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me; you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God. I trust in the Lord. I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress, my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow. I have become like a broken vessel. But I trust in you, O Lord; I say "You are my God." MY times are in your hands. Make your face shine on your servant; save me in your steadfast love! O Lord let me not be put to shame, for I call upon you, Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you. Blessed be the Lord, for He has wondrously shown His steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city. I had said in my haste, "I am cut off from your sight." But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help. Love the Lord, all you his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful. Bue strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!"

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. None of them who take refuge in Him will be condemned." ~Psalm 34:17-19,22

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." ~Psalm 42:11


"For our soul is bowed down to the dust; our belly clings to the ground. Rise up; come to our help. Redeem us for the sake of your steadfast love." ~Psalm 44:25-26

"God is our refuge and strength, a wel proved help in trouble. Therefore I will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling." ~Psalm 46:1-3

Today would be our 4 month engagement anniversary. Hopefully I will be able to go all day without seeing. Because if I do see him, I would be so tempted to walk up to him and say "Happy Anniversary" in the most sarcastic tone I have. That would not be loving, however, and I would just rather not even be faced with the temptation.

Songs of Refuge

Firm cling to the blessed cross,
There shall thy refuge be;
Wash thee now in the crimson fount,
Flowing so pure for thee;
List' to the gently warning voice!
List' to the earnest call!
Leave at the cross thy burden now:
Jesus will bear it all.

Come, oh come, with thy broken heart,
Weary and worn with care;
Come and kneel at the open door,
Jesus is waiting there;
Waiting to heal thy wounded soul,
Waiting to give thee rest;
Why wilt thou walk where shadows fall?
Come to His loving breast.

Come and taste of the precious feast,
Feast of eternal love;
Think of joys that forever bloom,
Bright in the life above.
Come with a trusting heart to God,
Come and be saved by grace;
Come for He longs to clasp thee now,
Close in His dear embrace.

"Hold Thou my hand; so weak I am, and helpless
I dare not take one step without Thy aid;
Hold thou, my hand; for then, O loving Savior,
No dread of ill shall make my soul afraid.

Hold Thou my hand, and closer, closer draw me
To Thy dear self--my hope, my joy, my all;
Hold Thou my hand, lest haply I should wander,
And, missing Thee, my trembling feet should fall.

Hold Thou my hand; the way is dark before me
Without the sunlight of Thy face divine;
But when by faith I catch its radiant glory,
What heights of joy, when rapturous songs are mine!

Hold Thou my hand, that when I reach the margin
Of that lone river Thou didst cross for me,
A heavenly light may flash along its waters,
And every wave like crystal bright shall be."

Day 21

Not being with *him* doesn't just feel different, it feels wrong. I really believe God wants us together and it is very difficult to say that that is not so when I truly believe it. This weekend was the first time I was with my whole family without him. It is just not right without him there. He is the other part of me, and without him I don't even feel like myself. When we're in the same room together I can feel his presence so strongly. It's like our souls stretch out toward each other, but because we are pulling them back so hard, they cannot quite meet. It is a constant, painful battle. I am begging God to take my feelings for *him* away. I feel like they are even stronger. I dread getting up in the morning. I dread facing yet another day without *him*. I dread every moment of not having him. I don't want to share that level of intimacy with anyone else. I want him. I need him. and I can't have him. I want to be his. I want to be everything to him, and I can't be anything to him. I must force myself to have faith that God has a perfect plan that is good for me. I know this in my mind, but I struggle to accept it in my heart.

Day 18

I am overwhelmed by the abundance of pain that has welled up inside me. Just when you think your heart cannot break any more, the ache bursts through again. It bursts through so forcefully that I grope for breath. I cannot keep breathing. God keeps filling my lungs up. Honestly, I just want to die. I can't do it anymore. God is sustaining me through this, but I do still wish I could just stop breathing. *he* told my friend that he doesn't feel human. I feel just the contrary. I feel very human. I can feel myself so vividly. I feel my toes move, my legs and arms. I feel everything I was going to give to *him* so vividly. And I feel the absense of *his* arms around me. I feel the loneliness of not having *him* beside me, not being there for me. And I miss not being there for *him*.

The Doffed Veil

When low my soul bows toward the earth
And shatt'ring pain replaces mirth.
I question what my life is worth
And I anathematize my birth.

But then, when utter darkness blinds
(When hurt and pain, like iron, binds),
My grabbling soul, a Being finds.
His light exudes, His strength unwinds

The tangled chains that trammel me.
His steadfast love contains a key,
And in His mercy sets me free.
He doffs my veil and lets me see

His character so sure and true,
So faithful and consistent to
My faithless and unstable view
Of that pure Being, my God Who

Never leaves me all alone
And hears my heart, each sob, each groan.
My woe He turns to bliss unknown
He stills my soul with gentle tone.

My soul ought not ache anymore.
My heart need not to suffer nor
To throb nor hate affliction, for
My God has ecstasy in store

February 22, 2006
~Anna Christina

Stripped Naked

I feel as if I have been stripped naked. Completely doffed of all of m clothing, and find myself standing on the top of a mountain with the icy rain and the angry wind beating feircely on me with no shield of protection. But, ya know, that's when God comes and, ahving ridded us of everything, clothes us with the most beautiful clothing we have ever seen, and builds a glorious mansion around us to shield us from the weather, and provides us with more abundant goodness than we could ever think to ask for.

"Satan trembles when he sees the weakest saint about his knees." ~William Cowper

"The moment you wake up each morning, all your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wilds animals. And the first job each morning cinsists in shoring it all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other, larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in."

Poems by William Cowper

Light Shining Out of Darkness
God moves in a mysterious way,
His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill,
He treasures up his bright designs
And works his sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust him for his grace;
Behind a frowning providence,
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.


Grace and Providence
Almighty King! whose wondrous hand
Supports the weight of sea and land;
Whose grace is such a boundless store,
No heart shall break that sighs for more;

Thy Providence supplies my food,
And 'tis thy blessing makes it good;
My soul is nourished by the word,
Let soul and body praise the Lord.

My streams of outward comfort came
frim him, who built this earthly frame;
Whate'er I want his bounty gives,
By whom my soul forever lives.

Either his hand preserves from pain,
Or, if I feel it, heals again;
From Satan's malice shields my breast,
Or overrules it for the best.

Day 17

I need my God to encourage my heart today. I am tired, weak, worn down. I need His encouragement. His steadfast love, His strength. I have nothing left within me. only pain. I need God to fill me back up and overflow me with His promises and character. I can't look at *him* or speak to *him* right now. I just can't do it. It is too painful. I hope he doesn't think I am angry with *him*. I'm not. I am just too weak to face him right now.

Day 16

I have so many questions in my mind about contentment and satisfaction. My main question is this: Where is the balance between desire and contentment? I know I am content in Christ. Christ is my satisfaction because I can never be fully satisfied without Him. However, it is not necessarily sin to want or desire something. Even if that desire is just a closer walk with God, it is still a desire--a craving--for something you don't have. So where is the balance between wanting something and being fully content? Something within me thinks that you can do both--be fully satisfied with Christ, yet have a desire for something you lack. I desire God's will in my life more than anything else, yet I desire to have *my ex* . I desire God's will more than *my ex*, however, so does that communicate full contentment? Is it wrong for me to desire to have him? I know I can't have him, so I am fine with that, because I know God has a reason for taking him away. However, it doesn't change the fact that I still want him. That desire is still in my heart, even though I don't want him if he is not good for me. I want God, and if I can't have both, then I choose God. But I want both. So is that a lack of contentment? Or am I satisfied with Christ because I desire Him over *my ex*? I don't have the answer. I wish I did.

"God is as much in my life in peril as He is in prosperity."

"I am the God of both the mountains and the valleys; of both the sunshine and the darkness."


Like Joseph, when I am in an unhappy place, I need to pour myself out into the needs of others, despite my feelings, instead of wallowing in self pity; instead of being blinded by the consumption of my own trying circumstances.

"Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God."
~Isaiah 50:10

Someone told me today that I needed to love the circumstance that God put me in. Embrace it. But can I not thank God for a circumstance without loving that circumstance? Do I have to love the place I am in order to love God for putting me there? I love that God has me where He wants me, but I do not love the place itself. Is that wrong? I love that my parents cared enough to spank me as a child, but I do (or did) not love the spankings themselves. How can I love a circumstance that I hate? I can be thankful for it, but do I have to love it? Is that necessary?

A letter from an unknown friend

I came back to my room today to find this letter sitting on my bed:

Dear Sister in Christ,
I don't know you, but I know exactly what you're going through--up until January 6, I, too was engaged. I want you to know that I am praying for you--for peace, for comfort, for intense knowledge of God's presence and control. I'm praying that you will feel God's arms of love wrapped around you tighter than you've ever felt them before. I'm praying that the Lord will help you study when you feel like crying, and that He'll help you concentrate when you don't feel like thinking at all, and that He'll help you be a blessing to others when you so desperately need to be blessed yourself.
I'm praying that when you've cried all the tears you can and your heart still aches, that the Lord will be so real to you.
I wish I could tell you how well I understand your pain, and I wish I could show you that it truly will work out for good, but you'll have to discover that for yourself in God's Word. The verses at the bottom have been a great help to me the past month--I hope they'll encourage you, too.
Just trust Him one day at a time, and He will get you through.
A friend,
Anneji Noele

Psalm 139:17-18
Psalm 138:3, 7-8
Lam. 3:22-25; 31-33; 56-58
2 Cor. 7:5-6
2 Cor. 4:8