Day 18

I am overwhelmed by the abundance of pain that has welled up inside me. Just when you think your heart cannot break any more, the ache bursts through again. It bursts through so forcefully that I grope for breath. I cannot keep breathing. God keeps filling my lungs up. Honestly, I just want to die. I can't do it anymore. God is sustaining me through this, but I do still wish I could just stop breathing. *he* told my friend that he doesn't feel human. I feel just the contrary. I feel very human. I can feel myself so vividly. I feel my toes move, my legs and arms. I feel everything I was going to give to *him* so vividly. And I feel the absense of *his* arms around me. I feel the loneliness of not having *him* beside me, not being there for me. And I miss not being there for *him*.