Day 26

My parents came down to eat with me tonight. I can't face them alone right now. I'm never with them without *him*. *he* is my stability when I am with my family. It hurts too badly to be with them by myself. I don't know how to explain that to them so they understand. I felt so rude to them tonight. I just couldn't get past the lonely insecurity that I felt. It is painfully hard. I'm just taking some time to sit and to do nothing. I need that quiet time right now to not even think. Just to sit. My smile is gone today. I need the oy of God today and I know I don't have it. I try to pour myself into everything so I don't have to think about it, and I think that pushes it deeper into my soul and intensifies the hurt. I'm tired of not knowing how to act, or what to say. I'm tired of facing people, or facing life even. I really do just want to die. I find pleasure in nothing; not even coffee. I just drink it because it keeps me going. I love coffee with a passion, and it doesn't even really taste good to me right now.

I want so badly to just email him and tell him how I feel right now; tell him how hard it is for me to see him right now, and that despite the fact that we've not been together for four weeks, I love him just as much as I did before. That I'm trying very hard to get over this, but that it is progressively seeming harder as reality stands so strong before me. I want so badly to tell him that...or even just to say "I love you" to him. But I know I can't. Fridays through Mondays are the hardest four days of the week. At least the other three days are typically a little easier.
The couple I mentioned earlier that we were going to lease from in the fall called me yesterday. That was a very difficult phone call to answer, and it just made today rather difficult; remembering that we were going to live together, enjoy the benefits of living together for the rest of our lives. It was just, well...very difficult. Couple that with being with my family alone for the first time in a year was probably the hardest thing to deal with. I hurt more when I am with them than I do any other time. The pain is just so intense that each breath is harder and harder to take. God will get me through even this. I know it.