Today makes 4 weeks. It actually wasn't as hard as I expected. I kept really busy, and only cried hard once. The couple who were going to rent us an apartment in August called me today. I had to tell them that we're no longer getting married. I guess *he* called them and told them that we will not be needing the apartment. That was really hard. I don't want to live with Nikki and Meagan. I want to live with *him*. I want to spend my life with *him*. I want to live with him.
My crying has become soft. It's like when a child's cry breaks and turns from anger to straight pain. I cry strictly because it hurts; strictly because I miss him. I miss my best friend. I pray for him, and that is the extent of the influence on his life that I can have, and visa versa. I hope he prays for me.
4 weeks.... It seems like it has been a lifetime, yet, it is so fresh it could have been yesterday. I love him. That has not changed. I wish I could stop. But I don't know how.
I feel cold to my emotions tonight. It's like, I feel them--I hurt--yet, I cannot reach it somehow. I cannot reach the hurting spot right now. My body is cold to it. It scares me. Tears are a resonse to hurt. Morning is a way of healing. and I can't reach them. I want the tears to flow right now, but they do not come to comfort. I just sit here, unable to touch the pain. I can se it; I know where it is, but somehow it got locked up for the time being and I can't figure out how to let it out.
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