Day 22

I was at my lowest point last night. I could not sleep because my mind was racing up and down along side of the pain within me. I grabbed my Bible, went downstairs, and wept harder than I have ever wept before. I found myself sprawled out on my face, my tears saturating the carpet that my face pressed against, and I cried out to God in complete agony, despair, and humility. I could not get any lower as I begged God to not ignore me. As I begged Him to be to me what I know in my mind that He is, I sang pitifully, but genuinely, the William Cowper text of "Sometimes a light surprises the Christan while she sings. It is the Lord who rises with healing in His wings." I told Him that I could not feel His healing because of the extreme outflow of agony. I begged Him not to let Satan win in my life, not to let him defeat me. I told Him that I wanted to doe, that I was tired of living, that I was tired of being broken, but that I wanted to have the attitude of Paul "to abide in the flesh is more needful for you." I begged God to strengthen me, but to remind me everyday that that strength is from Him. My words took the form of groans and I was reminded of Romans 8 where it says "The spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." As I pulled myself up off of the floor, after an hour of intense prayer, weeping and groaning, I opened my Bible to the Psalms, and God pointed me to Psalm 31:

"In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me! Incline your hear to me; rescue me speedily! Be a rock of refuge for me. a strong fortress to save me! For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me; you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God. I trust in the Lord. I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress, my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow. I have become like a broken vessel. But I trust in you, O Lord; I say "You are my God." MY times are in your hands. Make your face shine on your servant; save me in your steadfast love! O Lord let me not be put to shame, for I call upon you, Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you. Blessed be the Lord, for He has wondrously shown His steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city. I had said in my haste, "I am cut off from your sight." But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help. Love the Lord, all you his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful. Bue strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!"

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. None of them who take refuge in Him will be condemned." ~Psalm 34:17-19,22

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." ~Psalm 42:11


"For our soul is bowed down to the dust; our belly clings to the ground. Rise up; come to our help. Redeem us for the sake of your steadfast love." ~Psalm 44:25-26

"God is our refuge and strength, a wel proved help in trouble. Therefore I will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling." ~Psalm 46:1-3

Today would be our 4 month engagement anniversary. Hopefully I will be able to go all day without seeing. Because if I do see him, I would be so tempted to walk up to him and say "Happy Anniversary" in the most sarcastic tone I have. That would not be loving, however, and I would just rather not even be faced with the temptation.