God of Sunshine and Darkness

"I am the God of both the mountains and the valleys; of both the sunshine and the darkness."

"Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God." ~Isaiah 50:10

Day 15

I see the tears dripping down my pillow. The tearstains on the pillow reflect the stains on my face. I cannot see. I am blind. I cannot see as much as my hand in front of my face. I cannot hear, I cannot see, I cannot understand. But I can feel. Goodness, can I feel. The pain is so intense that it takes my breath away. I cannot breathe. Yet somehow my lungs keep filling back up with air. I can feel the hot tears against my cheeks. I can feel my eyes swelling from the continual outflow. I can feel each time my lungs inflate. I can feel. I cannot see, though. I thought I saw that bright beautiful place a few weeks ago, but I have found another shadow. That shadow is called discouragement. It is called frustration. It is called fear. It is called intense pain. Either God led me to a small clearing where the sunlight infiltrated through the tall dark trees, before we continued along the dark trail out of the forest, or God picked me up and let me catch a glimpse of that beautiful place he is taking me. I don't know which is truth. All I know is that I am back in the darkness. No...I cannot see. I am blind, but I can feel that God is there. I feel like I am clutching about, frantically searching for the comfort of His hand. I am blind, but when I find His hand again, I will be able to feel it.

I am haunted in my dreams. Reality haunts me. But even when I sleep there is no relief. I dreamed that he came back to me with the realization that he did love me; that he did want me. We talked, we restored our brokenness. But I woke up, and Reality haunted me; stung me like the venom of a snake. And the pain intensified within me and swelled each organ within me so I could feel each one. The pain no longer writhes up and down, rather, it has taken on the form of my soul so that it covers me from head to toe, infiltrating to the outermost extremities of my being. It stills me, because movement means pain. My fingers move with anguish, my eyes look around in pain. My legs carry me in hurt and intense weakness.
I am broken and beaten.
God, You have taken everything and left only feelings. Instead of pain, let me feel Your hands holding my heart back together, let me feel your unconditional love take on the form of my soul, and kick the pain out of my weak being. Strengthen my frailty.

I find myself begging God the same (except opposite) prayer I prayed 2 years ago. I begged God to give me feelings for him, or to change his mind. He liked me, I hadf no feelings for him. I begged God that if He wanted us together to give me feelings for him, or if it was not right to change his mind. Now I find myself pleading with God to take those feelings away if it is not to be, or to change his mind. It seems like such a contradiction. Yet I have to trust that God knows what He is doing.

Give Me Wings

Give me wings
and let me fly
I've mastered it while sleeping

Give me strength
and let me soar
When overcome with weeping

Give me heart
and let me stitch
the pieces back together

Give me soul
and let me tell
it never to remember

Give me mind
and let me sleep
I yearn so to take flight

Give me wings
and let me fly
and end the darkened night

Day 12

"Honey, there's other fish in the sea." Don't ever say that to a girl who's fiance brok up with her. It is NOT encouraging. We know there are boys out there. We've already scoped them all out, and picked one--the one that we want the most, and though a million schools of fish swim by, none of them quite meet up to that one, because that one belongs to you. You can march 100 of the hottest men in front of a girl who loves one man, and she can look them all over and still contentedly go back to her one beloved. So don't tell me there's other fish in the sea. I am aware of that fact. I just don't want any of them.

I am officially on hard core boy strike! This is good because I am at least acknowledging the existence of the male population at large. Now let me explain what boy strike is. When I go on boy strike, it means that I don't go on any dates (unless I want to of course...which is highly unlikely). Boy strike also entails (and this is my personal favorite) the eloquent regurgitation of any rude, mean, derrogatory comment about the general population of boys. Specific-boy hating comments are not allowed, but any general comments about boys are welcome with open arms. Basically, boy striek means you can say mean comments about boys to make you feel better. Really, it's just fun telling people, "I'm on boy strike." Try it. I know you'll love it.

Valentines Day Friend

I'm walking to work, on the verge of tears from spending a lonely Valentines Day lunch in my room alone. I run into my friend who has been a listening ear and a caring companion through my achings. He stands there, delivering a beautiful bouquet of flowers to his fiance; the classic symbol of love and affection. He sees me, smiles and says, after a long moment of awkward silent decision making of what to or not to say, "Anna, I want to give you something." He reaches in the back seat of his car and pulls out a thorned, dis-shoveled, wilted, crimson rose. Holding it out toward me he offers forth a "Happy Valentines Day." The rose, though disfigured and unhealthy was so beautiful to me. It sparkled and shimmered as it proclaimed its message of friendship, beauty, and thoughtfulness. It smelled of sweet music and felt of soft tenderness. One rose symbolizing such a vibrant theme becomes so much more desireable than a hundred roses of obligation and duty. That poor pitiful, wilted rose stands its head strong and brave above all the rest. Oh the beauty of a caring friend.

The pain just oozes out from anywhere it can find a place of escape. it writhes within me and eats my appitite, strangles my happiness, and steals the soundness of my sleep. It is an unwanted invador that may stay without my consent as long as he pleases.

Day 11

Valentines Day~
What is there possibly to say about a broken heart on the one day that we celebrate the giving of that heart. You try to hide what is broken, especially when it is being compared to a conglomeration of unmarred hearts. My friend wanted me to put her half-completed homework on the bottom of the stack, so everyone couldn't see it. That's what I tried to do today with my shattered heart. How long will it go un-repaired? A soul is given but one heart in a lifetime. If she gives it to someone to hold and he drops it, will the shattered pieces remain unpieced? Or will they eventually be bonded back together to form a yet stronger bond? I cannot answer that question, because though I have attempted to scoop up the pieces, I am finding more and more pieces scattered about the room, lost and unrestored.
I know how it feels to be shattered, to be scattered, to be lost, to be alone.
How do you find every piece of a broken vessel? Is it possible? Right now it feels like an unachievable goal. One I hope to accomplish but cannot see the potential.
I asked God to change his heart today. I don't hope in that. I want God to do His will, but it doesn't hurt to ask. The worst He can say is no.

Excerpts from Lamentations

"Look and see if there is any sorrow like my sorrow, which was brought upon me..for these things I weep; my eyes flow with tears; for a comforter is far from me, one to revive my spirit.... Look, O Lord, for I am in distress; my stomach churns; my heart is wrung within me.... They [everyone] heard my groaning. Yet there is no one to comfort me.... For my groans are many, and my heart is faint.... My eyes are spent with weeping; my stomach churns...'Arise, cry out in the night.... Pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord!' My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, 'My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.' Remember my affliction and my wanderings, my soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.... for the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though He cause grief, He will have compassion according to the abundance of His steadfast love; for He does not willingly afflict or greive the children of men.... Who has spoken and it came to pass, unless the Lord has commanded it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come? Why should a living man complain, a man, about the punishment of his sins? Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord! Let us lift up our hearts and hands to God in heaven.... My eyes will flow without ceasing, without respite, until the Lord from heaven looks down and sees; my eyes cause me grief....'I am lost. I called on your name, O Lord, from the depth of the pit; you heard my plea, 'Do no close your ear to my cry for help!' You came near when I called on you; You said, 'Do not fear!' You have taken up my case O Lord; You have redeemed my life. You have seen the wrong done to me, O Lord; judge my cause.'"

Day 10

I have resigned myself to strictly praying for GOd's perfect will in my life. We want, and receive not because we do not ask. We ask and receive not because we ask for selfish reasons. I have decided that what I desire is simply to be in the center of God's will. I cannot pray for God to give him back to me, because I am asking for selfish reasons. But if I ask nothing, then I will receive nothing. I need to ask for what I desire if that desire is not born out of a selfish heart. God will answer. He promises to. So I will ask Him daily to hold me in His will. I cannot stray from His will when I am seeking to follow it daily (James 3).

Day 9

I stood up today and gave testimony of my God as I worshiped him this morning. We sang "Sometimes a Light Surprises" by William Cowper, and I was able to stand up and sing every thought with every ounce of my heart because it tells of a God who I have gotten to know this week. My friend told me that he got the goosebumps watching me sing, because he knew how real the words I was singing were to me. That's what I wanted. I wanted my friends to worship God more intently today with me because they knew my cirumstances. If God can be that real to me during this dark time, then He shows himself that real to everyone else. He is such a magnificant God.

I hurt. Nothing can change that fact. My stomach growls, yet I'm not hungry. I miss him. That's all there is to it. I am lonely without him. Sure, I have friends; lots of them--lots of wonderful friends. But I am still lonely without him. I am always a little bit better when I stay busy. But yet, I don't want to stay so busy that I ignore the pain. That is not healthy. I just have to trust God and do right and everyting else will fall into place. I need not worry. But I do need still to hurt. Let me grieve, let me cry, let me miss him, only let me do these things in the arms of God.

Day 8

Frustrated. I am so frustrated by this whole thing. He will not tell me his reason for breaking up and it is so hard on me. I am out of tears so I don't know how to mourn right now. It's just an uneasy, awkward feeling mixed with an exuberant amount of frustration. I go from saying, "I don't even want him anymore" to saying "I want him so badly." I don't have closure that it is over for good. And I need that. He is throwing salt in the wound by not being straight forward with me. Oh, God, It hurts so bad!! I am back to just wanting to lay still, and never move again. It hurts and my mind is whirling. I can't get it to stop.
People will make you feel guilty for questioning the situation. Don't listen to it. As long as you are not questioning God, you are not sinning by asking valid questions about a decision. And as far as asking God the question "Why," there is a good and a bad to that. If you are questioning God's character and motives, you are wrong in asking "why." But, if you are saying "God, I don't understand!" then you are only questioning your own understanding which is a good thing. There is nothing wrong with saying the words "Why, God." It all depends upon your meaning behind it.
He talked to my friend tonight. It hurt me more than anything to see him telling all our friends why and he refuses to tell me. That is painful for me. I am going to try to be patient. I think that is on God's "For Anna To Learn Next" list. Regardless of all of this, I WILL NOT be angry. I WILL NOT let Satan defeat me. He is trying hard, and he will NOT win. I refuse to give in. God is my strength and my defender. Trusting in Him will always give me the victory.

Day 7

I am so happy. I can hardly help but smile! It doesn't seem to make sense. God has taken everything away from me, yet I am exceptionally happy and joyful. There is only one way to explain it: God has taken everything out of my cup so He could fill it up, and overflow it with joy. I have been so blind to the reality of God for a long time. Through the circumstances He has brought me through, He has shown Himself so real to me, and my heart overflows with praise and thankfulness. I have found myself again. I am my joyful, exuberant self again. I forgot who I was. And now I remember. I am in such a bright, luscious place right now. I never want to leave this place ever again. I can honestly say that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me! That is so weird to say, but it's true. It woke me up. And I can't thank my wonderful Savior enough!
I can still see myself with him. I have no hope in that, but I can see us together. However, I am not willing to be in that relationship if it forces me back into that dark place. I refuse to go back there. If it is possible to spend the rest of my life with him and stay in this wonderful, beautiful place, then I would be the happiest girl on earth. To have both would be a miraculous gift. But if I have to choose between the two, I pick the joy over him. And as time passes, I pray that God will rid me of my feelings for him. I know that I am in the center of God's will right now, and that is such a liberating feeling. And if God allows him to stand with me in the center of His will, wonderful. If not, then I am fully convinced that He has something so much better in mind. I love him so much that I am willing to let him go. I love him so much that my sole desire for him is that he will find the one person that will be the absolute best for him. If that person is me, then I will feel honored and undeserving, but if that person is not me, then I am happy to be seperate from him so God can put that right person in his path. I am so excited to see how God will work out both of our lives.

Leaning Hard

Child of my love, lean hard,
And let me feel the pressure of thy care.
I know thy burden, child; I shaped it,
Poised in mine own hand, made no proportion
in its weight to thine unaided strength,
For even as I laid it on I said,
"I shall be near, and while she leans on me,
This burden shall be mine, not hers;
So shall I keep my child within the circling arms
of mine own love." Here lay it down, nor fear
To impose it on a shoulder which upholds the government of worlds.
Yet closer come,
Thou art not near enough, I would embrace thy care,
So I might feel my child reposing on my breast.
Thou lovest me? I know it. Doubt not, then,
But, loving me, lean hard.
~Isabel Kuhn

I Must Tell Jesus

I must tell Jesus all about my trials;
I cannot bear these burdens alone;
In my distress He kindly will help me;
He ever loves and cares for His own.

I must tell Jesus all of my troubles;
He is a kind, compassionate friend;
If I but ask Him, He will deliver,
Make of my troubles quickly an end.


Tempted and tried I need a great Savior,
One Who can help my burdens to bear;
I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus;
He all my cares and sorrows will share.

O how the world to evil allures me!
O how my heart is tempted to sin!
I must tell Jesus, and He will help me
Over the world the victory to win.

I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus! I cannot bear my burdens alone. Jesus can help me.
Jesus alone.

~Elisha Hoffman

Day 6

I have been encouraged by the character of God! It is such a liberating feeling. No, the hurt is not less painful; just...less important. I find myself walking today with my head up, and a slight smile on my face because I have found my main desire: my desire is to hold His hand and let Him lead me out of this dark place. I felt the comfort of His hand before, but I was too afraid to move. I am actually excited about the prospect of a different life. I am confused by my excitement. I must have learned how to lean hard on my Father. I am excited to see just how bright and brilliant the place is that He is leading me to! And though we are still following a path that is full of darkness, I know it is the path that leads out of this dark place. I have found that hope. A hope for an amazingly brilliant place. That hope rests in my God.

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him."

Job 13:15

I have a sense of peace. What scares me about that is I have a glimmer of hope and assurance inside of a restored relationship with him. I don't know where it came from though and I can't think that. I can't have hope in that. My hope should rest solely on God. But I am not going to lie to myself either and try to tell myself that that feeling is not there. I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know whether to try to squelch it; just to ignore it, and maybe it will go away? I don't know whether or not to give it relevance in my mind...I just don't know. I talked to a mutual friend last night who told me that my exfiance is not doing as well as he appears to be. It comforts me in a way to know that it is as hard for him. But another part of me is worried about him. I am concerned for his wellbeing.

Thy Way Not Mine

Thy way not mine, O Lord, however dark it be;
Lead me by Thine own hand; choose out the path for me;
smooth let it be, or rough, it will be still the best;
winding or straight, it leads right onward to Thy rest.

I dare not choose my lot; I would not if I might:
Choose Thou for me, my God, so I shall walk aright.
Take Thou my cup, and it with joy or sorrow fill,
As best to Thee may seem, choose Thou my good and ill.

Choose Thou for me my friends, my sickness, or my health;
Choose Thou my cares for me, my poverty, or wealth.
Not mine, not mine the choice in things both great and small.
Be Thou my Guide, my Strength, my Wisdom, and my All.
~Horatius Bonar

"I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you."
John 14:18

Like A Stranger

I still feel like a stranger is living inside of me. Like I do not know myself anymore. But I do feel like I have formed myself to a point--my voice is back. I can think and evaluate more accurately again. I, somewhere, lost that ability. It's been gone for a while, but it's back now, and I embrace it with both arms.

Day 5

Life is full of heartache; so many stories of grief, lost loves, dashed hopes, sorrow, and intense pain. It's a comfort in a way to realize that life goes on.
People have told me this past week to "set your affections on things above." That I don't need to look at him or communicate to him because my affections are elsewhere now.
Don't believe it. I'm not fooling God to say, "My affections are no longer with this guy that I love." I am only lying to myself and forcing the grief temporarily out of my mind. Don't do it! Grief has to come out. I only hurt myself by putting off the grief. It is not sin to grieve. It is not sin to tell God that it hurts. It is not sin to tell God that you do not understand. it is only sin when we refuse to jump into the comforting arms of our God. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to grieve, grieve. If you're having a hard day, then have a hard day. It is OK. ONly keep your eyes fixed on the face of your God. His eyes will comfort, his mouth will cheer, his ears will hear our rownings. His tongue will say, "Come to me, my precious child." His heart will say, "I feel your grief. I understand your sorrow." His hands will say, "Put your hand in mine." His feet will say, "Let me lead you to a joyful place." His strength will say, "You cannot walk? Let me carry you." His compassion will say, "Your tears won't stop? Let me dry them." His sovereignty will say, "You don't understand? Let me show you." His patience will say, "You need time? Let me give that to you." His love will say, "You feel unloved? Let me love you." His light will say, "You are scared in darkness? Let me give you light."
"Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteem him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. He was wounded for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His stripes, we are healed."

Sometimes A Light Surprises

Sometimes a light surprises the Christian While he sings.

It is the Lord who rises with healing in His wings.

When comforts are declining
He grants the soul again a season of clear shining
to cheer it after rain.

In holy contemplation we sweetly then pursue
the theme of God's salvation
and find it ever new.
Set free from present sorrows
we cheerfully can say,
"Let the unknown tomorrow
bring with it what it may."

It can bring with it nothing,
but He will bear us through.
Who gives the lilies clothing
will clothe his people too.
Beneath the spreading heavens,
no creature but is fed.
And He who feeds the ravens
will give His children bread.

Though vine, nor fig tree, neither
their wanted fruit should bear.
Though all the fields should wither,
nor flocks, nor herds be there.
Yet God the same abiding,
His praise shall tune my voice.
For while in Him confiding
I cannot but rejoice!
~William Cowper

Bubble Gum and Candy Factories

We are so content with a 25 cent piece of bubblegum when God is trying to give us the entire candy factory. In our foolishness we kick and scream as God pulls us away from that candy dispenser and carries us to the factory to over-satisfy our desires. I guess if we kick and scream hard enough, He will give us that piece of gum to chew on for a while. But eventually, He will have to take it away, so He can fill our mouths with an abundance of goodness. Why can't we just say, "OK, God?"

Day 4

The shock is becoming real. I just want to sit and stare. I shutter at the thought of doing anything right now. I'm scared to move. My muscles all ache with emotion. Even writing right now goes against everything within me, but I do it because I feel like it may profit someone to write down my feelings as they come. It has been four days now and the hurt has not subsided. The only thing that has changed is that my tears are hard to find at times, and I have gotten somewhat used to the hurt. These things don't change the intensity of the heart, only the newness of it. I cannot concentrate no matter how hard I try. The pain is growing. It is taking over more of myself. It started in my stomach and has now grown into my lungs so that it is difficult to breathe.

When I do find my tears, I cannot get rid of them.

I was wrong...I was wrong. The pain is not in my lungs, it is behind my lungs, in my heart. My heart has broken. I can point out exactly where the source of pain is. It penetrates into the life-giving organ in my body. The organ that affects every other aspect of my life; my heart. When a physical heart is pierced or wounded, it bleeds, then dies. When an emotional heart is wounded or pierced, it is expected to heal. I don't know how to keep it beating. It just does, but it doesn't feel like it should.
The only thing I know to do right now is to breath in and then out. And get out of bed in the mornings...and just keep doing something...anything, because I am afraid that if I stop I will never start again. I never imagined anything could be this painful.

Be Still My Soul

Be still my soul,
when dearest friends depart
and all is darkened
in the vale of tears.
Then shalt thou better know His love,
His heart
Who comes to soothe
thy sorrow and thy fears
Be still my soul
the waves and winds still know
His voice
Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

God is good. Believe that.

Day 1

I've lost my sense of feeling. I am freezing but it doesn't matter for some reason. My friend made me wrap up in a blanket, but it didn't make any difference. Cold doesn't feel cold. I wash my hands in hot water to warm myself, but hot doesn't feel hot. Nothing seems right. Nothing seems like it is the right thing to do. I have no desire for anything. No desire to warm myself, no desire to eat, no desire to sleep. No desire to do homework. No real desire to do anything. No desire to be with people, but no desire to be alone. The hurt just sits there, writhing up and down inside me. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
Sitting in church makes me remember sitting with him. And I am lost without him beside me. I cannot sing without hearing him sing beside me. I cannot think but that I want to tell him everything that goes through my head. I cannot laugh without hearing his laugh. I cannot snicker to myself without leaning over to share the moment, only to discover, he's not there. I cannot see him without longing for him. I cannot cry without feeling his comforting arms around me. but then I realize that I cry because those arems are no longer available to me. I cannot feel reality. All I can feel is memory. I can feel what is not truly there. I cannot feel cold, hot, the comfort of true arms. I cannot feel what is true, only what no longer is. I am a stranger to myself. I am lost. I cannot see for the total darkness. But there is one thing I feel: God's hand.

We're Engaged!

We're engaged!!! I can't believe it! On my birthday. So often I just get hit with this overwhelming sensation of uncontrollable happiness. It was perfect, special. He proposed at my favorite spot in all the world. How perfect. Wow. And the ring, oh my word!!! It is the most beautiful ring I have ever seen in my life; and it's mine; and he gave it to me. He loves me. After all we've been through together, I just can't believe that it's actually happened! And that in less than 9 months I'm going to be living with him and spending the rest of my life at his side. Wow. I absolutely cannot wait! God gave him to me and I love him. I couldn't ask for anything better, because I could not even begin to dream of having anyone else. He's perfect.

Distance

The depth of the sea
does not compare to my love fore you.

The distance between us
wanes in the measurement of my devotion.

The stars tell me continually
you are near to my heart

Like your star,
I see you still,
Though distance has the upper hand.

I close my eyes
and see you.
You smile at me
You tell me of your live.

I sometimes fear to open my eyes,
to find it all a dream.

But I trust your words
I know you care
and will forever love me.

While Teaching Abroad (still before engagement)...

I got the sweetest email from him today. Man, I miss that boy! I miss his companionship. I miss not communicating with him like I'm used to. He is my best friend and my dearest friend in all of the world. My life just is not quite the same without him right beside me. I guess it just continues to solidify in my mind that we should be together for life.

About Him...

I have met beautiful men, but I've never met a man so wonderful. How he loves me and all my imperfections I will never know. But I cannot even begin to deserve one so caring and passionate and full of big dreams and hopes. He is the most wonderful man I have ever knwon and I would have laughed out loud if you had told me a year ago that I would write this and feel this way about him. Wow. If this progresses as well as the past few weeks have, and if he breaks up with me, I will never be married. That break up, I dare say, would be worse than anything I have ever experienced. And I have been through a LOT.

I Think I Love Him (before engagement)

I have seen God change my heart. I'm falling in love with him. I never ever in my wildest dreams thought I would, but I am. He is so wonderful! He has won my heart by his unconditional, selfless love that he showed me so constantly for so long. He loved me for an entire year before God put a green light in my path. I knew how wonderful he was, but something was holding me back, and I begged God to take it away and let me fall in love with him, but it remained there until about a month ago when God showed me that I needed to grow up and not base my decisions on fear. He is so wonderful. I miss him. I wish he were here with me right now. But i'm almost glad he is coming after Christmas rather than before. I think it would have been harder to say goodbye to him right before Christmas, but this way I can miss him, yet look forward to spending time with him in a couple of weeks. I can't keep my mind off of that boy! He is the first boy I have trusted his word since I was 16. I thought I would never again let beautiful words affect me...but He is the first since my heart was broken in high school. I kind of think he is "the one." I can't believe I'm saying that, but I do think it.

Dilemma of a Guarded Heart

I hear the steadfast drums that beat
the tune of life so tender.
Remembering its origin
I journeyed to reenter.

I found the place I heard the beat
but found that place was barred.
I yearned to step inside the gates
the iron gate stood guard.

And I, the owner of the place
built up those steadfast walls
to keep from ugliness and pain
that permeate its halls.

But now the gates are barred too tight
and none can enter in,
The iron bars keep me from ever
entering again.

I pulled with all my feeble might
two iron bars opposed.
The stronger of us two did win--
the iron gate stayed closed.

The more I tried to get inside
more fervent my desire,
for something hidden deep within
intensified my fire.

A gift that I alone could give
was safely kept within.
And now I want to give that gift
but simply can't get in.

Do I Date Him, or Do I Not?

My heart is confused. I am scared of myself. He is so wonderful and my mind knows that, but it's almost as if my heart is barred shut; as if it is unreachable in my relationship with him. It is free to empty its own emotions but refuses to take in any emotion it most desires. I need to grow up, frankly. I'm still waiting for my perfect six foot, all-American, curly-dark haired man to come sweep me off my feet and hold me forever. That's not reality. But he is so far from that fantasy, however, his character and his love for me far exceed any "knight in shining armor." My mind chooses him, but my heart is not yet loyal to him. I am trying desperately to tear open the bars that separate my heart from him, but I can't I don't trust myself that if I see something I like better, I won't go after it instead. That scares me. I refuse to do that to him. That is where my dilemma lies.

Before we dated...

How do I take my feelings and put them into words? He loves me. But I don't love him. It hurts me that he has cared for me for over a year now, and I cannot return his care or devotion. When he talks about me, he is so passionate. I hate that I hurt him. I don't want to, but it's either love him or hurt him. THere is no in between. But I just can't bring myself to love him. So I am resigned to hurt him merely because he loves me. As wonderful as love is, it can be a curse at times. I talked to him today. He wants to marry me, but his parents have a hard time with the fact that I have seizures. So, that, coupled with my unreciprocated feelings, he is condemned to love me at a distance; to care for me as he watches me fall in love with someone else. My parents love him. But as hard as I have tried, I don't.

Preface

This blog is for all of you who are currently struggling with a broken heart. As a senior in college (having just been severed from the love of my life) I searched for a journal, a book...something I could read that would tell me I was not the only person who was experiencing the feelings of utter helplessness and indescribable pain. I couldn't find anything. So I decided to keep a journal for the purpose of helping those of you who are groping for some answers and comfort. The following entries will be straight from my journal and will represent the progression of feelings, comfort, and healing throughout the year. I will be deleting any names that are written in the original journal, but I have left the entries as untainted as possible. It will take me a while to get the entire journal written out, so please bear with me. I pray that this blog will be a small measure of comfort to you.