Day 1

I've lost my sense of feeling. I am freezing but it doesn't matter for some reason. My friend made me wrap up in a blanket, but it didn't make any difference. Cold doesn't feel cold. I wash my hands in hot water to warm myself, but hot doesn't feel hot. Nothing seems right. Nothing seems like it is the right thing to do. I have no desire for anything. No desire to warm myself, no desire to eat, no desire to sleep. No desire to do homework. No real desire to do anything. No desire to be with people, but no desire to be alone. The hurt just sits there, writhing up and down inside me. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
Sitting in church makes me remember sitting with him. And I am lost without him beside me. I cannot sing without hearing him sing beside me. I cannot think but that I want to tell him everything that goes through my head. I cannot laugh without hearing his laugh. I cannot snicker to myself without leaning over to share the moment, only to discover, he's not there. I cannot see him without longing for him. I cannot cry without feeling his comforting arms around me. but then I realize that I cry because those arems are no longer available to me. I cannot feel reality. All I can feel is memory. I can feel what is not truly there. I cannot feel cold, hot, the comfort of true arms. I cannot feel what is true, only what no longer is. I am a stranger to myself. I am lost. I cannot see for the total darkness. But there is one thing I feel: God's hand.