Day 4

The shock is becoming real. I just want to sit and stare. I shutter at the thought of doing anything right now. I'm scared to move. My muscles all ache with emotion. Even writing right now goes against everything within me, but I do it because I feel like it may profit someone to write down my feelings as they come. It has been four days now and the hurt has not subsided. The only thing that has changed is that my tears are hard to find at times, and I have gotten somewhat used to the hurt. These things don't change the intensity of the heart, only the newness of it. I cannot concentrate no matter how hard I try. The pain is growing. It is taking over more of myself. It started in my stomach and has now grown into my lungs so that it is difficult to breathe.

When I do find my tears, I cannot get rid of them.

I was wrong...I was wrong. The pain is not in my lungs, it is behind my lungs, in my heart. My heart has broken. I can point out exactly where the source of pain is. It penetrates into the life-giving organ in my body. The organ that affects every other aspect of my life; my heart. When a physical heart is pierced or wounded, it bleeds, then dies. When an emotional heart is wounded or pierced, it is expected to heal. I don't know how to keep it beating. It just does, but it doesn't feel like it should.
The only thing I know to do right now is to breath in and then out. And get out of bed in the mornings...and just keep doing something...anything, because I am afraid that if I stop I will never start again. I never imagined anything could be this painful.